Always a Jew
A Jew converts and becomes a priest. He gives his first mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest's sermon a cardinal goes to congratulate him. "Pater Lewis," he said, "That was very well done, you were just perfect. Just one little thing. Next time, please don't start your sermon with, 'Fellow goyim...' ".
Age is in the Eye of the Beholder
While waiting for her first appointment in the reception room of Dr. Marvin Cohen, her new dentist, Miriam Kleinman suddenly remembered that a tall boy with the same name had been in her high school class some 40 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, Miriam quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been her classmate Marvin.
After Dr. Cohen examined her teeth, Miriam asked him if he had attended the same high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" Miriam asked. Dr. Cohen answered, "In 1957." "Why, you were in my class!" Miriam exclaimed.
Dr. Cohen looked at Miriam closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
Memories
Hy and Selma Epstein, An elderly Jewish couple, were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor and get checked out. The doctor told them that they were physically just fine but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The Epsteins thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, Hy got up from his chair and Selma asked, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen." "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" Selma asked. "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" "No, I can remember that." Selma added, "I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." Hy replied, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, Hy said, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumed into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes Hy returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of gefilte fish. Selma stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."
Excuses, Excuses
Toby came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found his boss Mr. Epstein waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Toby?" Mr. Epstein asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change." Toby sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning. My wife decided to drive me to the harbor. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up." "Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the field to this office. " "You'll have to do better than that, Toby," said Mr. Epstein, disappointed. "No woman can be ready in ten minutes."
