I decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I don't feel I'm fit enough for the job... I’ve handed in my 'Too Weak' notice.
I've just bought my pet duck a face mask so I can take him for a walk during coronavirus. It’s nothing flashy but it fits the bill.
My wife says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances. Well, she's in for a shock.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper. He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me. It means a lot.
What do you call an imaginary color? A pigment of your imagination.
My wife isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday…
I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta. Now it’s a Ford Focus.
My friend has got a butler who only has one arm. Serves him right.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."
My friend is a structural engineer. He’s always complaining about stress at work.
I used to be a narcissist. But now look at me.
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday. My neighbor is dead against it.
I haven't owned a watch for I don't know how long.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today. But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One's really heavy; the other's a little lighter.
My wife asked me to pass her lipstick. I gave her superglue instead. She's still not talking to me.
Does Not Compute…
What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory.
What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard? The space bar.
What happened when the computer fell on the floor? It slipped a disk.
To err is human, but to really mess things up requires a computer.
Why was there a bug in the computer? It was looking for a byte to eat.
What is a computer virus? A terminal illness.