A child may not remember every word his parent tells him, but he will always remember whether his parent was truly there for him. In Parshas Va’eschanan, the Torah discusses the Arei Miklat, the cities of refuge where a person who killed someone b’shogeg could escape from the go’el hadam. There were six Arei Miklat altogether: three in Eretz Yisrael and three in Eiver HaYarden.
At first glance, this is difficult to understand. Nine and a half Shevatim lived in Eretz Yisrael, while only two and a half Shevatim lived in Eiver HaYarden. Why did both areas need the same number of Arei Miklat? Surely the area with the much larger population should have needed more.
The Gemara in Makkos answers: "רוצחים שכיחי בגלעד" - ”In Gil’ad, murderers were common.”
Since more killings took place in Gil’ad, which was part of Eiver HaYarden, more cities of refuge were needed there. But this answer raises another question: Why was there so much more violence in that region?
I once heard the following explanation. The Shevatim of Reuven and Gad had chosen to settle in Eiver HaYarden because they owned large herds of animals, and the land there was especially suited for grazing. However, before they could return home permanently, the men had to cross the Yarden and help the rest of Klal Yisrael conquer and divide Eretz Yisrael. This process took fourteen years, seven years to conquer the land and another seven years to divide it among the Shevatim.
During those years, the men were away from their homes, while their wives and children remained behind in Eiver HaYarden. For many years, these children grew up without their fathers being present each day to teach them, guide them, and correct them. They had devoted mothers who cared for them, but they were missing the steady and constant influence of their fathers. Years later, the region became known as a place where violence was more common.
This does not mean that the fathers had done something wrong. They were fulfilling their responsibility to Klal Yisrael. They had promised Moshe Rabbeinu that they would help their brothers conquer the land, and they kept their promise. Still, we can learn from here how important a parent’s daily presence is in the life of a child.
Children need more than food, clothing, and a place to live. They need guidance. They need someone who notices what they are doing, listens to what they are saying, and helps them deal with the challenges they face. Sometimes the greatest gift a parent can give a child is simply to be there.
The Rambam writes that the roads leading to the Arei Miklat had to be kept in excellent condition. Any obstacle had to be removed, bridges were built where necessary, and signs were placed at every crossroads with the words: "מקלט מקלט" - “Miklat, Miklat.”
These signs pointed the person toward the correct road. Why was this so important? It was not enough for a city of refuge to exist somewhere far away. The person running for his life had to be able to reach it quickly and easily. The road had to be open, clear, and accessible.
The same is true in chinuch. It is not enough for a parent to say, “My child knows that I am here for him.” The child must actually feel comfortable coming to his parent. The road must be open. Sometimes a child wants to speak, but he is afraid that his parent will become angry. Sometimes he feels that his parent is too busy. Sometimes he worries that he will be laughed at, criticized, or misunderstood.
A parent must create a clear and open road of communication, so the child knows, “Whatever happens, I can speak to my father or mother.” This does not mean that a parent must agree with everything a child says. Chinuch sometimes requires saying no, correcting a mistake, or setting firm limits. But even when the answer is no, the child should still feel that he was heard. He should know that his parent listened to him and tried to understand what he was feeling.
Rav Yaakov Kamenetsky zt”l lived with this idea. During his years as Rav in Tzitevyan, he would take a short walk each day with each one of his children. Sometimes they spoke about learning. Sometimes they discussed school or something that had happened during the day. At other times, they simply spoke about ordinary things.
The subject of the conversation was not what mattered most. What mattered was that during those few minutes, the child had his father’s full attention. One of Rav Yaakov’s sons later said that he did not remember most of what they spoke about during those walks, but he remembered the feeling that his father was fully present with him. That feeling gave him a sense of importance, security, and direction.
A child may forget the speech his parent gave him. He may forget the exact advice he received. But he will not forget the feeling that his parent had time for him.
From the Arei Miklat, we learn that it is not enough to provide a safe place. The road leading to that place must also be clear. The same is true in chinuch. It is not enough to love our children. We must make sure that they feel that love. We must make time to listen, to notice, and simply to be present. The road to us must always remain open.
