You make only a passing reference to getting involved and helping your parents and I understand that this is probably because you don’t feel that you are capable of doing so. Very often, children really are not capable of exerting a positive influence in this area. However, now that we are on this topic let me just address those who feel they might be the exception.
If now as an adult you do feel that there’s a chance you can do something to improve your parents’ shalom bayis, feeling compassion and pity for their predicament is an essential prerequisite, just as necessary as first banishing feelings of anger or resentment. But compassion and pity aren’t enough. You also have to approach parents with respect, appreciation, and humility. That isn’t always easy, and if you feel you can’t manage it, it’s better not to attempt this at all.
The truth is that regardless of whether you can or should be a help to your parents, this is something for you to work on. Aside from whatever has transpired and continues to transpire between them and their children, you and your siblings still have a great deal to be grateful for. Children are rarely aware of everything that their parents are dealing with, all the backstories of why they act as they do, all the side-issues that contribute to the level of stress in the home, and so forth. This is one reason why children should never judge their parents for the way they act. They are simply too close and involved to be able to look at the situation objectively.
Therefore, if one ever chooses to address a parent about sensitive issues such as these, it must be prefaced by stressing that you know they were (and are still) dealing with complex issues that you don’t fully grasp. Clarify that you realize that he or she was and is still doing the best they can to deal with a complicated situation, and add that you don’t know that you would do any better yourself in their place — which is true.
Only then can you perhaps, very tentatively, mention how you sometimes felt as a child, seeing your parents dealing with things that you didn’t know how to interpret, and gently suggesting something for the future.
