The 80-20 Equation
This principle can be understood through the following incident: A father came to me in a quandary, asking whether he could give mussar to a son who was struggling—given the boy’s sensitivity.... Should he still reprimand him when he does something wrong? The answer is that, of course, it is proper to correct him—on one condition: if 80 percent of your interactions are rooted in love and compliments, then the other 20 percent may be criticism. Without the first 80 percent of love, criticism will accomplish nothing, and only distance him.
The previous Skverer Rebbe asked his son-in-law, the late Rachmastrivka Rebbe (who was in charge of the yeshiva bachurim in Skver) whether he ever had occasion to give mussar to the bachurim. He answered in the affirmative, and said that it takes him about half-a-minute to a minute. Then the Skverer Rebbe told his son-in-law: If you cannot find half an hour to shower the boy with compliments and show him how highly you think of him, you have no right to reprimand him at all!
The only way there is even a chance of mussar being heard is when we shower the recipient with love and compliments. Otherwise, the recipient will be certain that your only aim is to push him away.
More Than 99 Percent Goodness!
The same applies to our relationship with the Ribbono shel Olam. Sometimes, we are reprimanded by our Father, and often we don’t feel that we have what it takes to accept the criticism. We become lost and upset by these endurances... and that is because we don’t pay attention to the eighty percent! And in truth, the goodness and kindness that Hashem gives us—compared to any reprimand— is far more than 80 percent—and even more than 99 percent! But we’re asleep, and we don’t recognize it! However, when we are given even the mildest reprimand, we feel it so keenly and intensely....
According to the yesod of the Ohr HaChaim HaKadosh, the time to be mechazek oneself is long before any suffering arrives, ch”v. One must spend all his days and nights reflecting on the goodness and love Hashem exhibits toward him, “Constantly placing these words and thoughts upon his heart.” He thinks about the good, he talks about the good, he innovates with deeper and deeper understanding of the good... and then, when a challenge comes upon him, it is easier to fulfill the ...›ה את ואהבת מאודך בכל, with every measure with which He behaves toward you—because you just experienced the greatest miracles from Above!
