Love Your Children
The word קשורה, bound, is written twice in Tanach (as the Baal HaTurim on Bereishis 44:30 points out to us). Once is when it says (Bereishis ibid.) ונפשו קשורה בנפשו, "His soul is so bound up with his soul," referring to Yaakov Avinu's love for Binyamin. And it states (Mishlei 22:15) אולת קשורה בלב נער, "Foolishness is bound in the heat of youth." There is a connection between these two pasukim. The Baal HaTurim writes, מפני שאולתו קשורה בו צריך שתהא נפשו קשורה בנפשו של אביו לחנכו, "Since foolishness is bound in the heart [of youths], it needs to be that the father love his son immensely so that he can educate him."
Chazal (Brachos 59:) say, "Thunder was created to straighten out the crookedness of the heart." Thunder is like rebuke that straightens out a person's heart. But before the rebuke, there needs to be love. The parent must show how much he loves the child. This is hinted at by the lightning's bright light before the thunder. The light of lightning represents the light of the parent's face, הארת פנים. You must first show your children that you love them, and then you can rebuke them.
A rebuke is found in parashas Shemini (Vayikra 10:17), when Moshe rebuked Aharon for not eating the korban chatas. He said, מדוע לא אכלתם את החטאת במקום הקדוש, "Why didn't you eat the chatas....?" Take the first letters of these words. They spell מלא אהבה, full of love. This is because you first need to show someone you love him, and only then can you effectively deliver rebuke.
The elderly Reb Dov Yaffe zt'l (mashgiach of yeshiva Kfar Chasidim) was once hospitalized. The doctor wanted to prescribe a particular medication, but first, he asked Reb Dov Yaffe for a list of all his medications and whether he has an allergy to a certain medicine. Reb Dov Yaffe asked the doctor, "Why is it important to know all my medications? If you want to give me another medication, just give me a prescription."
The doctor explained that there are medications that clash with one another. One medicine might weaken the power of another medicine, and they might even be very dangerous to take both at the same time. When the doctor left the room, Reb Dov Yaffe said, "Did you hear how careful one must be before prescribing medication? We can say that the same is true when one wants to give mussar to rebuke someone. First one must know the person's situation well, precisely what he is going through, both in his ruchniyus and in the physical and social realm. All this information is necessary so the mussar he delivers will help and not cause any harm, chalilah."
One certainly won't accomplish anything if he rebukes his children or students with anger. It states (Vayikra 21:1) ויאמר ה' אל משה אמור אל הכהנים בני אהרן ואמרת אליהם. Rashi writes that this pasuk is speaking to the adult kohanim, telling them that they must teach the young kohanim to be cautious with the halachos of kehunah. Reb Moshe Feinstein zt'l (Darash Moshe) asks why it doesn't state וידבר ה', which is the more common expression used in the Torah (see Makos 11.). The answer is the pasuk is discussing chinuch, and a great rule in chinuch is that one accomplishes more when he speaks with soft words. וידבר represents harsh words, but chinuch has to be with אמירה רכה, soft words.
