Question: I want my kids to be happy more than anything. Now my pre-teen is throwing that philosophy back in my face. He argues, “I don't want to go to Bar Mitzvah lessons in my free time. You want me to be happy, right? So let me do my own thing.” I was stumped. Where have I gone wrong?
Response: Many parents tell their children that happiness is number one. But is it? Is nothing more important than being happy? I don't think you really believe that.
Let's test it. Imagine telling your kids the following:
- “I don't mind if you are not nice, as long as you are happy.”
- “It's okay to be dishonest if it gets you what you want.”
- “Do what makes you feel good without worrying about other people's feelings.”
- “If you see it and you like it, take it. Don't think about the consequences.”
No normal parent would say any of these statements. But this is what our kids hear if we tell them happiness comes first.
The message we really want to convey to our children is this:
The most important thing is to be a good person. How you behave matters more than how you feel. I would rather you do the right thing even though it's hard, than do what's wrong even though it feels good. Kindness, compassion, purpose and integrity are higher than happiness.
If it's hard to be nice, so be it. If it's uncomfortable for you to own up to the truth, do it anyway. If it's inconvenient to do the right thing, it is still the right thing.
It may make you happy to take your brother's remote control helicopter away from him. But it is not nice. You may not enjoy cleaning up your room. But it's good for your character. You aren't always in the mood for Bar Mitzvah classes after school. But that's where you learn the ideals that make you a good person. There's nothing more important than that.
And here's the secret: When we prioritize goodness over happiness, we get both. We learn that happiness comes from not focusing on yourself, but transcending yourself. When you put others first, when you serve a purpose beyond yourself, you find true happiness.
If happiness is our goal, we become self-centred and never happy. If goodness is our ideal, we become a mensch who is happy to share, to give, to learn - and even to attend Bar Mitzvah classes in our free time.
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