In general, feeling unable to be open and transparent in a relationship is always a sign of trouble and of a problem that needs to be fixed. However, it doesn’t always mean that the person who is hiding something is doing something objectively wrong.
Sometimes, a spouse puts intolerable pressure on the other to act in a certain way or accomplish certain things, and seems incapable of understanding why this just can’t happen. For example, a wife may expect her husband to learn for at least two hours every night at the end of a long day of work, because that’s what her father did. She doesn’t understand, and refuses to accept that her husband is just too exhausted and feels incapable of learning for more than an hour.
What she may not realize is that she is pushing him into a corner where all options appear bad. What should he do — stay out for another hour, drinking coffee with a friend, before coming home “after learning for two hours” — or come home and face the music?
Sometimes, husbands in such situations do try to tell the truth, and the response is so negative and critical that they make up their minds: Never again. Better to hide something than to risk a major argument. Sometimes this really is the right approach if the other spouse truly cannot or will not understand. However, it’s important not to give up too quickly. Sometimes, using the right form of communication can help a spouse to see things differently.
It’s usually after giving up hope for improvement that a husband or wife chooses a confrontational approach that is unlikely to improve matters. Coming home after an hour and telling one’s wife: “Don’t you realize how tired I am? I learned for an hour and you should be grateful for that. I have friends who don’t even learn that much. And everyone says that it’s normal to learn for no more than an hour,” is very likely to result in an argument, with the wife strongly disagreeing and telling him what she thinks “normal” is.
But if he comes home and says, “I really admire your appreciation for my learning, and I understand how deeply ingrained it is in you, having seen that in your home while growing up. I would love to be able to learn for two hours or even more in the evenings, but I’m just so tired at the end of the day, and you know I need a lot of sleep. I’m doing my best to utilize the time properly, and I hope you understand the effort I’m making,” then he can rightly expect a much more positive reception.
