Fleigelman, who knew no English, opened a bank account and signed with two X’s as was the custom. A few years later, having done very well for himself, he came once again to the bank with a big deposit.
“Mr. Fleigelman,” asked the teller, “Why do you now use three Xs?” Fleigelman got red in the face. “Not me, it’s my wife. You know women, always with the fancy-shmancy” he said. “Now that we got a few kopeks, she wants I should take on a middle name.”
A Miami officer pulled over 86-year-old Mrs. Posner because her signals were confusing.
“First you put your hand up, like you’re turning left, then you wave your hand up and down, then you turn right --” said the officer. “Sonny, I decided not to turn left,” she explained.
“Then why the up and down?” the officer asked.
“Mistah Officer,” she sniffed, “I vas erasing!”
Feeling his days are numbered, the head of Hamas visits a fortune teller to find out when his end will come. She says, “You’re going to die on a Jewish holiday.”
The terrorist demands to know, “Which holiday? Hanukkah? Passover? Which Jewish holiday will be the day of my death??”
The astrologer answers, “Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday!”
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks upset, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..."
The man sighs and says, "Oy , It's started..."
