Before I turn to the question itself, I’d like to comment on the use of the word “normal.” So many problems in life and especially in relationships are caused by this idea of “normal.” The truth is that everyone is different and every marriage is different; what’s normal for one couple is very abnormal for another. It doesn’t matter what other people are doing if it works for you. Trying to figure out what’s normal and whether your spouse is normal will only lead to comparisons, jealousy, and heartache.
I don’t think this is necessarily the most relevant place to address this, but hearing topics being discussed using this term makes me feel the need to point this out.
As to the attitude of this group of men, even if what they are describing is “normal,” that doesn’t mean that the person who overheard them should become like them. If he doesn’t feel any need to hide things from his wife, what difference does it make if other people think it’s normal? If an open and truthful relationship is working well for him and his wife, then that’s wonderful, and neither of them should get stuck on whether that’s normal or not.
Another general point I would like to make is that it appears from the question that the discussion wasn’t about how to improve shalom bayis, but rather, about how to fool one’s wife and get away with it. Even if it is normal to be worried about what your wife thinks, that doesn’t make it okay to be sitting and chatting about it in a lighthearted or, worse, mocking manner with a group of friends. It’s bad enough if a person thinks that’s a good way to build a Yiddishe home. It’s much worse if he isn’t ashamed of such an attitude to the extent that he’s actually boasting about it and making fun of his wife’s gullibility. If someone is having problems in his relationship, he should be looking for ways to solve them, not ways to belittle them and make fun of them.
