A Yungerman came crying to me about 13 years ago from New Zealand. His wife is a tough, overworked, super talented, a beyond industrious powerhouse, who makes others suffer because she is in love with hard work. Just because she’s a workaholic, everyone else has to dance to her tune? And if he wastes one minute, he’s a zero in her books??!!
The poor Yungerman was in a terrible state, living a life of an unhappy marriage. I told him that he has to change two things in his life (וּנֶּפַּצְתּ ץוּחִמוּ תִיַבִּמ interior and exterior). First, ( ץוּחִמ his exterior) to stop stressing himself. From now on, he’ll go along with all her Meshugasim, and never fight with her. No debates EVER! Always give in, and go along as best as you can. Of course, he takes as many breaks as possible... when she isn’t aware of them.
And: תִיַבִּמ (his interior) change your inward feelings, about your having falling into such a crazy marriage. Instead of feeling sorry for himself, he would be happy with Hashem’s Hashgacha, and see the Maalos. The Ikar; he relaxed! And he gave in to the situation. “I’m so happy to be a bit stressed. It’s good for you.”
No wonder why in Novardok they believed that it’s all up to you! Just straighten yourself out, and watch the miracles!
I remember when R' Gershon was involved in serious politics; somebody was defaming and besmirching him. Even though this person was considered dead-wrong by everyone, R' Gershon just smiled, and said to me: “All I have to do is improve myself!”
Look what far-reaching affects a person can have when he focuses only on himself. Don’t ever try to change the other person! (However, there are no: ְכּ ָל ִל םי rules. R' Yisroel Salanter Zatzal). When you change yourself, you can create magic.
