The Cause of Anxiety and Stress Over Getting a Yeshua
Question: I have a 22-year-old daughter who is in Shiduchim and has a lot of anxiety. She is doing tons of Chesed and davening, out of stress that she needs all these reasons why Hashem should send her a shidduch and a job.
Her father has some Middos that could use improvement. He works from at home, and has been ignoring her most of her life. He never "bonded" with her, instead, he acts as if she is not there. What should she be focusing on to bring Yeshuos, to find a shidduch and a job?
Answer: It seems that she is missing a lot of self-confidence, especially since she didn’t get any love or self-esteem from her parents. You have to do an emergency build-up. Here is what you have to tell this girl:
You are the best girl in your class. You are a big Tzadekes. You have to go on an ego trip. If anyone ever criticizes you, say that they are wrong and they don’t know what they are talking about. You are better than them. Start thinking of all different reasons why you are better than all your friends. For the time being, stop doing Chesed, and instead of davening, start learning Bitachon; your protocol is Bitachon and self-esteem. You can even add some positive lies about yourself, but surely there are plenty of positive truths too. Figure out why you are better, and why you are deserving of the best shidduch. This is the route you have to go.
For now, stop the excessive Chesed to others, and focus on yourself. You have everything you need; you don’t need other people to hold of you. You can hold of yourself, and feel superior. Like the: מְיַלְדוֹת midwives said to Paroh, that the Jewish mothers are like “Chayos” (wild animals), meaning they could give birth on their own, they have what they needed. The Avoda Zara that Mitzrayim worshiped was a sheep, meaning they were lowly in self-esteem; and by the Yidden, they were high. No Shevet was compared to a sheep, because they held of themselves. YOU HAVE TO BE A SOMEBODY. Only AFTER you are like a lion or a leopard, THEN you can begin to work on humbleness.
For a person like your daughter, their main Mitzva in their life is to have some Ga'ava in them.
You can submit your questions to Rabbi Mandel by emailing them to [email protected]
