Rebbe Elimelech of Lizhensk, author of Noam Elimelech and the brother of Rebbe Zusha of Anipoli, was born around 5477 (1717) to his father Eliezer Lipa and mother Mirel. He was one of the greatest disciples of the Maggid of Mezritch, to whom he came thanks to his brother, Rebbe Zusha. His book was nicknamed "The Book of the Righteous" and in Poland he himself was called "the Minor Baal Shem Tov." In many ways, he shaped the path of Chasidut throughout Poland, outlining the figure of the tzaddik and the manner of connecting to him. Rebbe Elimelech’s disciples became the great chasidic leaders of the next generation. He passed away on the 21st of Adar 5547 (1787) in his town of Lizhensk, and was succeeded by his son Rabbi Elazar, who served as rabbi (though not as Rebbe).
Among Rebbe Elimelech's disciples was a young man, pious and exceptional in Torah, who was blessed with wealth and honor, both from his wealthy parents and from his father-in-law. For several years, he traveled to Rebbe Elimelech, and never asked anything from his holy rebbe except for his advice on how to better serve God.
After several years of marriage, this young man and his wife had not yet been blessed with children. His wife and his in-laws began to urge him to travel to Rebbe Elimelech, and request his blessing and prayers. Even though it grieved him to trouble the tzaddik with physical requests, he eventually succumbed to their entreaties and traveled to Rebbe Elimelech to ask for his blessing.
Rebbe Elimelech promised the young man that he and his wife would be blessed with children, but days and months passed and the couple’s high hopes were dashed. Finally, the abject disciple returned to Rebbe Elimelech. "How do you conduct yourself with your wife? Is your dwelling in security and tranquility?" Rebbe Elimelech asked his disciple.
“Yes!” the young man answered enthusiastically. “Our marriage is filled with great love and harmony, thank God.”
"Indeed,” said Rebbe Elimelech, “so our holy Torah has commanded. But if your love is so great, that from the time of your marriage until now it has not ceased for even a moment, this is what is causing your childlessness. Therefore, I advise you: Go home, and loosen the bonds of love a bit. For a small moment forsake her, and she too will become angry with you. After that, dwell with her as in former years, and through this your salvation will quickly come." Rebbe Elimelech blessed him and the young man took the words to heart.
When the young man came to his house, his wife came out to greet him, as was her custom. But he showed her an angry face, until he succeeded in igniting a quarrel. He said this, and she said that, until the young man became so angry that he slapped his wife on her face. He was immediately filled with remorse, for he had fulfilled the words of Rebbe Elimelech more than he had been directed. Rebbe Elimelech had told him to speak harshly, and he had actually slapped her! He waited until his wife calmed down, and restored peace with her as it had been before.
After a time, God blessed the couple with a baby. The young man traveled to Rebbe Elimelech to convey the good news. "Do not think that I directed you to quarrel, God forbid,” said Rebbe Elimelech. “All I told you was what our holy Torah hinted at regarding our father Jacob, as it is written, ‘And Jacob's anger was kindled against Rachel.’ This is difficult to understand. Rachel should not be held accountable for speaking out in her distress about her childlessness! Rather, Jacob saw that their great love was the cause of their childlessness. He intentionally spoke to her harshly to provoke her, and to loosen the bonds of their love and then God heard her prayer and opened her womb.”
Surprisingly, it turns out that love can be detrimental to fertility... but why?
Rebbe Elimelech doesn't explain, he merely states a fact. But it seems that an important insight about relationships in general is hidden here. To be fruitful and multiply, both physically and spiritually, connection and harmony alone are not enough. Contrast, gaps, and differences are also required and even some relaxation of the seemingly ideal love between the couple. In intellectual contemplation, true innovation will come from a challenge and contradiction of the previous understanding. Innovations like the birth of a child also require difficulty and opposition. The Torah describes Eve as “a helpmate against him.”
This principle corresponds with a well-known Chasidic saying that "three people cannot be chasidim [i.e., followers of a certain rebbe]: his son, his wife, and his attendant.” Although exceptions can be found, usually the position of these three in relation to the rebbe creates an inability to nullify themselves to him as a chasid. One might think this is a disadvantage but according to what we've said here, there is a great advantage in this: it is precisely from independence, gaps, and lack of discipline that one can produce many offspring.
Indeed, of all the Chabad Rebbes, the Rebbe who merited the largest family, with almost all his sons crowned as leaders after him, was the Tzemach Tzedek. The stories about him and about Rebbetzin Chaya Mushka teach that this principle was indeed fulfilled in their relationship. For instance, it is related that once the Tzemach Tzedek was reciting Psalms in a loud voice. The chasidim who noticed this rushed to the window to listen to his special melody, but the Rebbetzin chased them away, saying: "Have you never seen an old Jew reciting Psalms?"
Even their match to each other, when they were still children of about eight years old, was accompanied by a playful argument between the "groom's side," the Alter Rebbe, and the "bride's side," his son, the Mittler Rebbe. The Mitteler Rebbe claimed that the match was not fitting - "I am of greater lineage than you, I have a father who is a Rebbe..." while his father replied: "I am of greater lineage, I have a son who is a Rebbe!" And so the match came to fruition. Indeed, it seems that the Rebbetzin saw herself as a follower of her father and grandfather more than of her husband. Their marriage at a young age—about fourteen and twelve years old—probably added to the free-spirited atmosphere between them.
In complete contrast, the Lubavitcher Rebbe and Rebbetzin Chaya Mushka who were named after them unfortunately did not merit children. We have no comprehension of the lives of tzaddikim, and how the Almighty plans things for the good, but we can certainly see that their marriage was also completely different: they married at a much older age, when they were already mature people recognizing each other's virtues, the Rebbetzin married the Rebbe and became his loyal companion and devoted follower.
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