Speaking truthfully and yet not telling the whole truth is also sometimes a better option than believing that one has to be absolutely one-hundred-percent transparent. This is the interpretation of the Bartenura on the words of the mishnah, “Al tarbeh sichah im ha’ishah —Don’t speak too much to your wife.” If a husband was publicly shamed, it’s a very bad idea (in general) for him to come home and tell his wife all about it, if it will lead her to see him in a less positive light.
Unfortunately, I know of several cases where people came close to destroying their shalom bayis because they mistakenly believed that they should tell their spouses absolutely everything, even when unnecessary.
The story goes that R’ Naftali Ropshitzer would come home every morning after Shacharis and his wife would ask how the davening went. “Excellent!” he would say, every single day. Once, he explained why: “If the davening really was excellent, so much the better, and my wife will enjoy hearing about it. If it wasn’t so amazing, then at least she will enjoy hearing that it was...”
Of course, the Ropshitzer Rov’s wife wanted exactly what her husband wanted — to serve Hashem to the best of their ability. But every person with a wife who wants to build a Yiddishe home has been blessed by Hashem with a partner in life to serve Hashem, and if he chooses not to appreciate that, and instead to hang out with “friends” to laugh about fooling her, he is shooting himself in the foot, ruining the beautiful partnership from which he could have gained so much.
The Torah tells us that it’s “not good” for a person to be alone, and that therefore, a man takes a wife to be his ezer k’negdo. If he merits it, she will be his “ezer,” helping him to serve Hashem to the best of his ability. If he doesn’t merit, then she will “oppose” him. On the surface, having a wife who argues with you and berates you appears to be worse than being entirely alone. But the truth is that everyone needs to be in a relationship where he feels a sense of responsibility and also a sense of shame if he strays from the right path. This is entirely good and for our benefit, because it can lead us to a path of teshuvah.
The Imrei Chaim would say: If a person had to bench lulav and esrog at home, and eat the kezayis maror in shul, then he would buy the smallest, plainest esrog to be yotzei the mitzvah, and eat the largest “kezayis” maror he was capable of.
Having a spouse presents us with opportunities for mitzvos far greater than taking the esrog or eating the maror — mitzvos all day long and all year round. If we can learn to appreciate each other and aim to be truthful and open with one another, we will be’ezras Hashem be zocheh to build a Mishkan for Hashem’s Presence in our homes.
