Going a step further, if the wife does decide, after consulting with daas Torah, that the issue has to be brought out into the open, she has to be very clear about what the issue is.
Anyone in such a situation — a very difficult situation—should first ask himself: What is my goal? What am I trying to achieve?
Here there are three main possibilities and it’s crucial to recognize which apply.
The first possibility is: I care deeply about my spouse, and I can’t bear to see him falling into such terrible ways. I want to help him do teshuvah.
The second possibility is: I, personally, just can’t bear this situation. I can’t handle the idea that my husband is doing such things; I simply can’t tolerate it.
The third possibility is: This is having a terrible effect on our children. How can I protect them; after all, I am responsible for their welfare, and I can’t just ignore the impact on them.
It could also be a combination of factors, but usually there is one aspect that is more troubling than the others and until that’s clarified, it’s much harder to know how to go about dealing with it.
If the main issue is your concern for your husband’s level of ruchniyus for his own sake, it’s possible that it’s not your place to intervene if your words are not likely to help. What could you possibly achieve? If he isn’t ready to do teshuvah, he will only feel shame, before getting used to the idea that you see him as “less-than,” which is unlikely to have any positive impact. Debating or explaining usually tends to be futile and unproductive; worse still, it will actually cause even more resistance and build greater barriers.
Even if you feel there is a good chance that your words will be taken well, you still have to tread very carefully and make it very clear that you aren’t judging him, that you understand his difficulties and challenges, and that you are simply trying to help him, not control him. You should also be careful to keep yourself out of the picture.
If the issue really bothering you is your own level of tolerance for the situation, then you must approach it from that angle. When speaking to your husband, you would do best to use phrases such as, “I find it very hard to deal with...” or “I’d appreciate it if you could try to understand how I feel.” After clarifying that his personal decisions are his to make, you can simply ask that he feel for you and take you into consideration as well. Here, too, you have to make it very clear that you are not trying to control your husband — you’re only trying to find a way to deal with the situation for yourself, so that you can continue being a good wife and mother. (In some cases where a spouse is dealing with something unbearable or inexcusable, the situation allows for and actually calls for that spouse to state exactly how they will go about no longer tolerating it. This is something that needs to be dealt with individually; it cannot be elaborated on in writing.)
If the main problem is the impact on the children, then of course that will be the focus of the conversation, without recriminations against your husband or any discussion of your own emotions, and the goal will be attempting to find solutions that work for all of you.
Chances are that the clearer you are about what your message is — and isn’t — the more success you will have in bringing about the desired results, im yirtzeh Hashem.
