This is undoubtedly a very painful letter, from a wife who sees her husband involved in things that are not in line with, or appropriate for, someone living a Torah life or trying to raise a Torah family.
What should she do?
While the specifics of this question are thankfully not common, several of the issues raised affect many of us, and one of them is an issue I often mention in various contexts. The wife writing the question notes that after she found a theater ticket in her husband’s pocket, she asked “a rav” what to do. Was this her rav, her husband’s rav, the family’s rav, or “just” a rav? I often mention how important it is that a husband and wife have a rav, their own rav, who addresses their questions. So many issues can be resolved by having a rav who is trusted by both spouses and whose advice they both accept. I know it’s not always so simple, but it’s worth investing the effort to find someone acceptable to both husband and wife, so that they can start to work on the challenges caused by a lack of clear guidance.
Just recently someone approached me after a shiur and asked how I could say a certain thing was not permitted — after all, “There are rabbanim who allow this.” I said that the person could be right, but the real question is: What does your rav say?
The wife in this question also writes, “In one of your shiurim, you mentioned that spouses shouldn’t mix into each other’s frumkeit,” and wonders whether this general rule applies to her situation as well. In normal, regular situations, I would say that this guideline definitely applies, and it’s generally neither obligatory nor appropriate for either spouse — husband or wife — to become the other’s mashgiach. However, there are situations where (without wanting to “mix-in”) a wife and mother has a responsibility to address anything that may affect her home and family.
When there is a rav in the picture who knows the family, this question is something that he can probably guide you through. Personalized guidance is always better than general rules that may not be applicable in a specific situation. When posed with this question, your rav, being familiar with the circumstances, might advise you to ignore the issue, or perhaps suggest saying something nicely, gently, and just once — and then dropping it. If it helps, then good; if not, leave it alone. Or, he might tell you to persist and not relent.
Hakadosh Baruch Hu didn’t impose an obligation of chinuch on a husband to educate his wife, or vice versa. Nonetheless, in situations where a specific issue is having a detrimental impact on the family, it often does need to be addressed in the correct manner. Without knowing many more details about your family, there is no way I could possibly give you advice on whether or not to intervene.
