Now to address the specific issues in the question. The wife starts by describing the theater ticket in her husband’s pocket, presumably some years ago; now, things have apparently progressed to his involvement in a certain production. In such situations, where one spouse is hiding his or her behavior from the other, it’s common for the other spouse to wonder what else is being hidden that they have yet to find out about.
Being naive and assuming nothing else is being hidden isn’t always realistic. On the other hand, it is possible that what this wife has found out is actually the sum total of her husband’s involvement with undesirable projects, and until she knows for sure that there are other things he’s not telling her, she should give him the benefit of the doubt and not come to the conclusion that this isn’t the whole story.
Furthermore, if the husband were to discover that his wife knows, and he then provides her with some kind of explanation, the wife should also give him the benefit of the doubt and accept his account of things and not dismiss his words as mere excuses. If, for instance, he tells her, “Yes, I was involved in that project, but only in a very minor way — they consulted me on something and I gave them information, but that’s it,” then she should certainly accept his version of events, unless she has real reason not to.
It’s important to remember that even when our imaginations try to persuade us that things are much worse than we realize, the worst-case scenario is not necessarily the reality. So, as much as burying your head in the sand is unwise, it’s just as unwise to suspect the worst and then build up a mountain of accusations regarding things that may be non-existent. Unfortunately, I have seen many people make this mistake and treat relatively innocent people as villains and perpetrators and thereby cause way more damage than was necessary or proper.
Aside from not making erroneous assumptions, in such situations you also want to be very, very careful not to make things worse.
The wife suggests that the reason the rav told her not to say anything about the ticket is that her husband is more likely to do teshuvah when he thinks his wife is still in the dark. That’s one possibility, but the issue is more complex than that.
There are times when however much we feel we simply have to speak up on a certain point, it’s still not a good idea, even if the other person is most certainly doing something wrong and it is having an impact on others. If your words are not going to be taken the right way, it’s not just that they won’t help — they could actually do harm.
Sometimes, a person knows he’s doing something unacceptable, but he is taking care not to let anyone find out and therefore, he is also being careful not to let things go beyond a certain point. The minute his actions are out in the open, however, that’s no longer a consideration, and his red line could shift in the wrong direction.
One can usually assume in such situations that the spouse who is going beyond what’s acceptable truly doesn’t want the other spouse to find out, because they still want to be considered ehrlich — and so they take precautions and hold back from doing certain things that would bring a greater risk of exposure. Once that’s gone, they could easily start to slide downhill.
The wife in this question thinks that her husband would be so mortified to discover that she knows about his involvement in this project that he would stop. I don’t know the husband, and certainly his wife knows his nature better than I do, but from my experience it seems to me that his shame at being found out would last around a day or two, no more, and then, he would simply come to terms with the new reality.
What then? Essentially he would be saying, either in word or deed, “This is who I am. Deal with it.” There’s no reason to presume that he would suddenly find the kochos hanefesh to do teshuvah simply because his wife knows that he did something wrong. If there are no genuine consequences, no leverage that you have in the event that he doesn’t mend his ways, then you do have to consider the likelihood that he will continue doing whatever it is and that it’s probably much better that you don’t confront him.
This is presuming that the wife would protest, beg, or order him to stop, and so forth. If instead she says nothing, and hopes that just her knowledge of his aveiros will stop him in his tracks, this too could have negative consequences. Seeing someone take the wrong path and saying and doing nothing very often falls into the category of enabling, as the person isn’t experiencing any genuine repercussions.
This is why one has to be so very careful when addressing such issues.
