Keeping Kosher
God: And remember Moses, in the laws of keeping kosher, never cook a calf in its mother’s milk. It is cruel.
Moses: Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together.
God: No, what I’m saying is, never cook a calf in its mother’s milk.
Moses: Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk so the two are not in our stomachs.
God: No, Moses, what I’m saying is, don’t cook a calf in its mother’s milk!!!
Moses: Oh, Lord! Please don’t strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury that dish outside....
God: Ah, do whatever you want....
A Jewish grandmother
A Jewish grandmother is at the beach with her 10 years old Jewish grandson. She's chilling while he's playing in the water.
Suddenly, a huge wave comes and takes the kid away with it. The grandmother is obviously in tears and starts speaking to God.
"It's been more than 70 years since I started worshipping you God. I've raised 3 generations, my siblings, children and grandchildren according to Jewish religion and traditions. I prayed daily, only ate kosher food, did the sabbath and everything else required by You for my whole life. How can you let this happen? How can you let my grandson die at such a young age?"
Few seconds later, a huge godly wave with the kid on top comes in and the grandson lands safely on the sand...
The grandmother can't believe her eyes: "Thank you Lord, thank you, thank you, thank you..."
As she looks towards the sky: "I, I don't want to push my luck, but he had a brand new baseball cap."
An IRS agent visits a synagogue for an audit
After finding no violations, he goes up to the rabbi.
"Rabbi, do you light candles for Sabbath?" asks the IRS agent.
"Of course we do" replies the rabbi.
"And do you have cinders left over?"
"Yes, but we send them to a factory and they make one big candle for us."
"And do you use a broom to sweep up garbage?" inquires the IRS agent
"Yes we do" the rabbi replies.
"And if the broom breaks, do you throw away the splinters?"
"Why would we do that? We send them over to the factory and they make one big broom."
"I see. One last question: Do you perform circumcisions?"
"Well, duh" says the rabbi.
"What do you do with the foreskins?"
"We send them over to the IRS office and they send an IRS agent"
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse:
You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
