With that said, it’s very often how something is said that makes all the difference, and often a spouse is too close to home to get it right. The preferred option is for the wife to find someone else to address the issues for her. If it’s at all possible for her to remain outside the picture, and for her husband to continue to believe that she views him as a frum Jew, that’s what should be done.
If that’s truly not possible, she has to be very careful not to embarrass her husband, for aside from being wrong, it’s unlikely to be helpful and could be very harmful.
Whenever addressing difficult issues, it’s very important to avoid getting stuck in the past. The issue is the present and the past is just background, and the wife should attempt to give him the benefit of the doubt regarding how he got himself into such a situation: “I know you didn’t realize that you would get dragged into this...” or “I’m sure you didn’t intend for things to go this far,” or simply “I don’t mean to judge you over what happened or how this came about. All I would like to do is discuss where we go from here.”
Then, move on and focus on the present and the future, and your confidence in him that he will work together with you to find a way forward.
(As an aside, if it’s you on the receiving end of constructive criticism, and/or being questioned about something you did wrong, it’s also important to keep the focus on your genuine intention to improve things. While of course you should express regret, you should stress that from now onward, you will do your best to make sure that the problem doesn’t recur. You should also thank the other person for bringing the problem to your attention.)
