First Reading: Can I Ever Change?
“She laughed at herself saying, ‘Now that I am withered, shall my skin become smooth?! Besides my husband is old.”
Is it realistic to expect that we can change who we are? Our nature? Can we really change? This is the question that plagues anyone going through psychological distress and seeks to heal themselves, their behavior, and just wish they could be different. Is it realistic to expect a fundamental change? Is there a root-level treatment, or is the hope we can be different only wishful thinking?
And from the other side of this equation of change, are the professionals or practitioners promising us they can help us change actually offering something realistic?
Carrying the Burden
Elsewhere, we explained the difference between solving a problem and carrying its burden. According to the Tanya, solving a problem belongs to the work of the tzaddik (the righteous individual), while carrying the burden of a problem or a condition is the work of the beinoni (the so-called intermediate or average individual).
It needs to be said that according to the Tanya, there is very little chance of actually becoming a tzaddik, perhaps only one in a million. Rather, most people need to aspire to become a beinoni. The beinoni, the average individual, is not hopeless. Far from it. The beinoni can repair the so-called garments of his soul—thought, speech, and action—the instruments through which he or she expresses themselves. But internal, essential change, it seems that that is beyond them.
The Space Between Reality and Delusion
There is a part of us, which in and of itself has a place, that tells us: “Stop deluding yourself that you can change! As you are now, so you will always be!” But there is another part, which is also correct, that says: “There is a possibility you could experience a fundamental change in who you are!” In fact, both parts are needed and the dynamics between them are what end up leading to real change and the healing of the psyche.
If a person only dreams rosy dreams of self-improvement, he is certainly deceiving himself. On the other hand, if he is entirely filled with only a dark pessimism about the possibility of change, that is indeed very bad.
The dynamic between a person’s recognition that he cannot change himself and the belief that change is possible is what leads to the maximum possible change.
Self-Nullification and Lowliness
In Kabbalistic terms, these two sides of the soul are called mah (מה) and ban (בן), and in corresponding Chasidic psychological language they are identified as self-nullification and lowliness, respectively. Lowliness is the feeling in the soul that I am very distant from the truth, and this pains me filling me with weeping and lament.
Self-nullification is the negation of experiencing and feeling my self. The less I feel my self, the greater my chances of bringing about an essential change in who I am. The general rule is that the more aware a person is of himself, the less chance he has of changing, and vice versa.
The complementary effects of lowliness and self-nullification are what lead to the changes we hope to see. However, it is important to note that the change that can be experienced in one’s self through the dynamic between lowliness and self-nullification is not complete; it does not a change in the essence. Instead, it is merely a refinement of the nature of our innate traits. This dynamic does make it possible for a person to refine themselves throughout their life. This is the work of “everyman,” of the average individual according to Chabad.
We Can Change Our Character!
The appropriate way to describe this possible refinement is “change in character.” Though our nature cannot be changed, the character traits that express our nature can.
From this, we learn that our work in changing our selves and refining our path in life should focus on improving our character.
When considering the physical side of our being, character can be likened to the skin. Like the skin which is located between our garments and our internal body parts, character is what mediates between our innate inner core and our behavior. In Kabbalah, the skin (and hence character) is referred to as the secret of chashmal.
As an intermediate layer, symbolically speaking, the skin is where the beinoini—which also means “the person who is in-between”—has influence, and it is where, once again symbolically, the changes are registered and seen.
Softening Our Skin
Maimonides, in his Laws of Character (Hilchot De’ot), focuses on the correct way to achieve a change in character through behavioral changes and through practical actions. In a sense, our actions can be symbolically interpreted as “softening” our skin, i.e., our character traits, through our actions. The garment of action, which is the lowest (or alternately, the most external) of all the soul’s garments, has the greatest impact on the “skin” through practical exercises that refine character.
Action is what softens the “skin” of the attributes, meaning character attributes. This softening is known as “making delicate” (התעדנות) in Chasidut, a term that is used to designate the process of character refinement. One could even translate this Hebrew word as smoothing or getting rid of wrinkles, which fits perfectly with the connection to skin. There are many Chassidic stories that teach how proper education can transform a person with a coarse character into one with a softer and more refined character.
Character and Childbirth
In the Torah, one of the most important metaphors for change in character is the process a woman goes through when becoming a mother. The process that takes place during pregnancy and childbirth is likened to the process of character transformation. In the case of a father, significant changes do not typically occur. But, oftentimes, before childbirth, a woman may have experienced sadness, etc. while immediately upon holding her baby, she receives a different, joyful character, as alluded to in the verse, "the mother of the children is joyous.”
Sarah’s Example
Our matriarch Sarah provides an excellent example of the softening associated with character change in the context of childbirth. When Sarah is informed of her impending pregnancy, she says, “Now that I am withered, shall my skin become smooth.” This verse teaches us that to smooth the wrinkles in our skin, akin to attaining a more refined character, one must undergo a withering or shattering of their previous existence. After a person has felt themselves shattered or broken, a sign that they have completed their previous stage of character development, they may merit smoothing out a renewed and more refined one.
This is not a singular event as suggested by the fact that the numerical value of these words, “Now that I am withered, shall my skin become smooth” is the same as the numerical values of all the matriarchs together, “Sarah, Rebeccah, Leah, Rachel, Zilpah, Bilhah”! This verse about the refinement of character expresses the essence of all the mothers of sacred femininity.
The Role of Wisdom in Refining Character
Sarah also thinks to herself, “my husband is old,” when she hears the angel’s prediction that she will have a child in a year. The plain interpretation would seem to be that she is mocking the idea that Abraham, in his old age, could have a child. But based on our interpretation, the deeper meaning is that the adjective “old” (זקן) is an acronym for the phrase, “he who has acquired wisdom” (זה שקנה חכמה). Wisdom is the power of self-nullification, which we have said is one half of what gives hope for change and refinement of character.
(Otzar HaNefesh vol. 1, pp. 112-119)
