TRUE LOVE
We read in the Torah several times about our obligation to guide other Yidden in the right direction. This obligation is included in the mitzva of ahavas Yisroel, and more specifically instructed in the mitzva of tochacha, rebuke. Additionally, there is an arvus, a mutual responsibility, that all members of klal Yisroel have for one another. This means that a mitzva or an aveira (R"L) done by any individual Yid affects all other Yidden. (שו"ע אדה"ז או"ח סי' קנ"ו, תר"ח, הל' אונאה וגניבת דעת)
Rebbi Yoisi ben Chanina taught that rebuke brings love, for love that does not include rebuke is not true love. Resh Lakish taught that rebuke brings peace, for any peace that does not incorporate rebuke is not real peace. (בראשית רבה נ"ד)
The concept of a farbrengen, at which the speakers traditionally expect the other participants to mend their ways, is fundamental to Chassidus. Admonishment at a farbrengen relates only to matters that will not cause anyone embarrassment, and since the earliest days it has been done successfully, out of love and deep affection. (היום יום כ"ד תשרי)
MUTUAL RESPONSIBILITY
Chazal say that whoever is able to raise an objection to a wrongdoing and does not, will be held accountable for that wrong. Someone in a leadership position, such as the head of a household, a community leader, or a person of influence in a city, must speak up and correct whatever needs correction.
A neighbor of Rebbi Elazar ben Azarya was unlearned in the halachos of Shabbos, and sent her cow out to graze with a strap tied between its horns – an act which is osur. When the chachomim saw this happen, they ordered Rebbi Elazar ben Azarya to do something about it, or else they would put him in cherem. As a kapara, because he had relied on his own individual ruling, instead of accepting – as the Torah dictates – the ruling of the majority, he later fasted so many fasts that his teeth turned black. Since he could have admonished her, he was considered responsible for her actions, to the point that the Mishna refers to this cow as ‘the cow of Rebbi Elazar ben Azarya.’ (שבת נ"ד ע"ב, ירושלמי פ"ה ה"ד)
The Alter Rebbe paskens in his Shulchan Aruch that if a person sees another doing something wrong, he is obligated to guide him on the correct path and to inform him of his wrongdoing. He must repeatedly remind the other of the proper conduct required ("even a hundred times," as the Gemara says), even if the other is angered and is not willing to listen further.
When rebuking, one must not cause embarrassment. One should speak softly, explaining that the rebuke is intended for the listener’s benefit. In the event of a public wrongdoing, in order to avoid a chillul HaShem one is not permitted to remain silent. Even when the person involved will not listen to the rebuke, one is still obligated to speak up once, so that it does not become his responsibility. (שו"ע אדה"ז או"ח סי' קנ"ו, תר"ח, הל' אונאה וגניבת דעת)
IN ONE BOAT
The eminent chossid, Reb Hillel Paritcher, once said in the name of the Tzemach Tzedek that the double expression of rebuke in the Torah (hochei'ach tochiach) implies that one must first rebuke oneself and only then rebuke another. Reb Hillel explained that rebuke is effective only when it follows self rebuke. (לקוטי דיבורים ח"א ע' 182)
In the year תרצ"ה (1935), the Frierdiker Rebbe underwent a medical procedure and learned a lesson in avodas HaShem from the surgeons. In a letter he writes, “Today, as the doctors came to inject some medication, I watched how cautious they were while preparing to do so. They sterilized their instruments, dressed in special gowns, washed their hands, checked their nails, and then poured alcohol over my feet. Having just washed myself, I asked why this extra cleaning was necessary. ‘No matter,’ they answered. ‘The policy is that before any injection is given, the area must be washed with alcohol, sterilizing it completely, because if some bacteria remain, the medicine will be ineffective and may even cause additional infection (R"L).’
Rebuking another is like giving an injection, which heals, but also hurts. If it is to have the desired effect, one must ensure that everything is disinfected. [For example, the words one chooses must be free of any self-righteous or unloving overtones.] (אג"ק אדהרי"צ ח"ב ע' רצ"א)
The Frierdiker Rebbe explains in a maamar that when rebuking another, one must speak humbly, since one is pained that the current wrongdoing happened during his time. Moreover, he must include himself in the rebuke by finding some measure of the same fault within himself, even if only bedakus, in a subtle form. (סה"מ קונטרסים ח"ב ע' שכו ע"ב)
Reb Mendel Barrer, a talmid of the Baal Shem Tov, was a maggid who traveled from town to town giving mussar and pointing out the deficiencies of the townspeople. However, he would only speak in places where he would be paid. He explained, “When I finish my mission on this earth, HaShem will ask me, ‘Who are you to speak like this about My children?’ I will answer, ‘Since You gave me the job of supporting my family, and my only skill was giving mussar, I had no other choice.’” If he would do this without payment, he would have no excuse…
The Rebbe explained that when rebuking in a manner of Chassidus (rather than mussar), this approach is not necessary. For then, one person points out to another what needs to be improved, without highlighting the problems – and this can be done in a pleasant manner. This mode of rebuke is more successful and effective. It also prevents claims from being made Above against the one who is rebuking, for after all, he is only offering the cure for the ailment… (דרך מצותיך קצ"ו ע"ב, תורת מנחם חט"ו ע' 143)
CONSIDER
Is guidance given for the sake of the receiver or the giver?
What is the difference between reproof following mussar and Chassidus if both touch upon faults? Why did mussar use its method?