Car Accident
An old man is hit by a car and brought to the hospital.
A nurse enters the room and asks, “Sir, are you comfortable?”
The old man shrugs. “Eh, I make a living.”
Max’s Final Words
Old Max Greenberg lies on his deathbed.
He asks, “Is my wife Sara here?” “Yes,” says Sara. “I’m here with you!” “Are my children here?” “Yes, Max, your sons and your daughters are all here!” “Are my grandchildren here?” “Yes, all of the grandchildren are here. Max, your entire family is here with you!”
Then Max Greenberg lifts his head one last time and asks, “So why is the light on in the kitchen?”
The Second Wife
Morty Greenbaum shows up at the country club with his new wife, a beautiful woman half his age.
His buddies are very impressed and later they ask him how he got such a gorgeous young wife.
“I lied about my age,” Morty confesses.
They ask, “Did you tell her you were fifty?”
“No,” replies Morty. “I told her I was ninety.”
Captured By Cannibals
A rabbi, a cantor, and a synagogue president are flying to a conference when their plane crashes and they’re captured by cannibals. The cannibals tell them, “We’re going to kill you and then we’re going to eat you, but first, we’ll give each of you one final wish.”
The synagogue president says, “I’ve been working on my speech for the building fund for months. It’s an hour long. I’d like to deliver that before I die.”
The rabbi says, “I’ve been working on my sermon for Rosh Hashanah for months. It’s two hours long. I’d like to deliver that before I die.”
The cantor says, “Kill me first.”
