(The following is based on a shmuess delivered by Rav Yisrael Rot shlita)
In this week’s parsha, the Torah tells us: “And Hashem appeared to him in the plains of Mamre, while he was sitting at the entrance of the tent in the heat of the day” (Bereishis 18:1).
Rashi comments: “In the plains of Mamre” - it was Mamre who advised Avraham regarding bris milah; therefore, Hashem revealed Himself in his territory.
The obvious question, already raised by the Rishonim, is: How could Avraham Avinu have needed advice regarding whether to perform bris milah? Avraham had already withstood tremendous tests in his unwavering service of Hashem. What guidance could he possibly have required concerning the fulfilment of a direct Divine command?
The Da'as Zekeinim MiBaalei HaTosafos offers a fascinating explanation: When Hashem commanded Avraham to circumcise every member of his household, Avraham’s concern was not whether he himself would fulfil the mitzvah, but how to convince the members of his household, who were reluctant to do so.
He first approached Aner and Eshkol, asking how he could persuade them. Neither was able to offer a solution. He then turned to Mamre, who advised him to circumcise himself and Yishmael first. Once the members of the household observed their leader personally fulfilling the mitzvah, they would be inspired to follow his example.
That is precisely what occurred. The Torah first states: “On that very day Avraham and Yishmael his son were circumcised.”
Only afterwards does it record: “And all the men of his household were circumcised with him.”
A similar explanation is offered by the Shlah HaKadosh in Derech Chaim.
From here we learn a profound principle in education. If a person wishes to guide his children and household along the proper path, the most effective method is not through words alone, but through personal example. People are far more influenced by what they see than by what they are told.
Initially, Avraham instructed them to fulfil the mitzvah, yet they were unwilling. Only after they observed him undergoing the bris milah himself did they agree to follow.
The Vizhnitzer Rebbe, the Imrei Chaim, is quoted as explaining the pasuk “Educate the child according to his way,” to mean: A child is educated according
~ 23 ~
to the way of the educator. Whether it is a father, a mother, a rebbi, or a teacher, genuine education occurs when the educator personally embodies the values he seeks to transmit. That is truly educating a child “according to his way.”
Rav Yisrael Rot shlita illustrates this point with a simple but powerful observation.
At family celebrations, one occasionally notices an individual whose table manners leave much to be desired. His behavior may make those around him uncomfortable. Yet as soon as the photographer or videographer begins approaching the table, a remarkable transformation takes place.
Suddenly he straightens his collar. He searches for the knife and fork that somehow disappeared moments earlier. He smiles politely, sits upright, and conducts himself like a model of refinement.
Why the sudden change?
The answer is simple: the camera is approaching.
In reality, every one of us should live with the awareness that “the camera is on.” Whether we are parents, teachers, or simply people whom others observe and learn from, we should strive to be individuals whose speech is refined, whose conduct is proper, and whose time is devoted to Torah and worthwhile pursuits.
Children in particular are always watching.
The Lesson of the Lelover Rebbe
Several years ago, the Lelover Rebbe spent approximately a week in a small community of sincere and G-d-fearing Jews.
While davening in the local Beis HaKnesses, he noticed a young boy, about eight years old, standing in Shemoneh Esrei with extraordinary concentration. His hands were folded upon his heart in accordance with halachah, and he appeared completely immersed in his tefillos.
The Rebbe later remarked:
“I was astonished to see such a young child davening in this manner.”
When Shabbos arrived, the mystery was solved.
~ 24 ~
The boy entered shul together with his father, and the Rebbe observed that the father davened in precisely the same way. He stood with the same posture, the same concentration, and the same sense of attachment to Hashem.
The child had simply absorbed his father’s conduct and replicated it exactly.
The Rebbe said:
“At that moment I saw a living demonstration of what all the sefarim teach: the essence of chinuch is personal example."
A parent influences a child much like a magnet influences the metal around it. When a father davens properly, his son naturally learns to daven properly. When a parent values Torah, the children come to value Torah as well.
For that reason, every parent bears a responsibility to conduct himself appropriately. Even if he has not yet reached the ideal level, he should nevertheless strive to model proper behavior for the sake of his children's growth.
Yet many people struggle with this idea.
A person might think:
“I am not truly on this level. I do not daven with perfect concentration and enthusiasm. Why should I put on an act merely for the sake of the children?”
The Lelover Rebbe answered this concern through a remarkable story.
A certain Jew once visited the holy Rav Shlomah of Zvhil and explained that when he was a young avreich, he would come home each evening and spend his free time reading the newspaper.
As his children grew older, however, he became uncomfortable with the example he was setting. He therefore began taking out a Gemara and learning at home instead.
Yet he felt troubled.
“Am I not deceiving my family?” he asked. “After all, I am not really on this level. Is it proper to learn merely in order to set an example for my children?”
~ 25 ~
Rav Shlomah responded emphatically:
“Who are you deceiving? There is no falsehood here whatsoever. Quite the opposite. This is the truth. The world was created in such a way that children learn through personal example. If your learning is helping educate your children, then this 'pretence' is the truest truth.”
The Lasting Influence of a Father
Rav Pinchas Shriber zt”l once shared a deeply moving insight with one of the younger members of his community.
Throughout his life he merited to spend time in the company of many of the greatest Torah leaders of the generation. He was close to the Brisker Rav, the Chazon Ish, Rav Yosef Shlomo Kahaneman of Ponevezh, the Steipler Gaon, Rav Shach, and numerous other giants of Torah.
He personally witnessed the Chazon Ish's astounding diligence and joy in Torah. He experienced the awe of Heaven that radiated from the Brisker Rav. He observed the holiness and fear of Heaven of the Steipler.
Needless to say, these encounters profoundly shaped his outlook and values.
Yet Rav Shriber declared:
“Know that the greatest influence upon my life, the one that accompanies me to this very day, comes from when I was less than eight years old.”
He continued:
“Before the war, I would lie in bed on Friday night while my father sat nearby learning Chumash with the Ohr HaChaim in a sweet, pleasant melody. I pretended to be asleep, but I was really listening attentively. The delight of those moments is engraved into my very bones until today, more than everything I later saw and absorbed from the greatest Torah leaders of Klal Yisrael.”
Rav Shriber emphasized that despite all he gained from the Torah giants of the generation, nothing left as deep an impression upon him as watching his father learn Chumash on a Friday night.
At first glance, such a statement seems astonishing. Could a simple father's learning really have a greater impact than observing the Chazon Ish, the Brisker Rav, or the Steipler?
Yet Rav Shriber was known for speaking only with precision and careful consideration. If that was his testimony about his own life, it was undoubtedly true.
The lesson is clear.
Parents often underestimate the influence they have upon their children. A child may forget countless lectures, but he never forgets what he sees. The atmosphere created in the home, the priorities parents demonstrate, the way they daven, learn, speak, and conduct themselves, leave impressions that endure for a lifetime.
My dear friends, we cannot fully appreciate how powerful personal example really is. Through our actions we build the next generation. With Hashem's help, the more we model a life of Torah, avodas Hashem, and refined character, the more we will merit raising children and students who sincerely desire to walk in the ways of Hashem and fulfil His will.