Love, in general, is expressed through acts of kindness and words of love and kindness between the couple. However, the secret of love (the inner aspect of loving-kindness), which it is so important for the couple to openly share is revealed primarily through the sefirah of foundation. Foundation is the power of the soul involved in substantiating the vitality in our emotions. Foundation is also the sefirah associated with the concept of a covenant. A covenant represents the bond forged between two parties to remain faithful to one another, despite anything that might happen in the future. When a covenant is made, it is viewed as an agreement that transcends reason and self-interest. At the root of every marriage there must be a covenant. The concealed, essential love must be turned into the bedrock of a stable marriage through the power of the sefirah of foundation, the power of the covenant.
The Role of Intimacy in Marriage
The complex relationship between love and the sefirah of foundation is experienced during modest acts of marital union. Even though love is revealed and experienced intensely during marital union, the exposure does not ruin the good taste of the secret love that continues to reside within.
It is important to understand that disclosing love between the couple is the very essence of the act of physical, marital union. The physical intimacy between the couple that the Torah defines as mitzvah, an obligation for the man, is intended to encourage the man to fulfill his wife’s needs for companionship and a sense of longing and belonging. The sages provide guidelines for how frequently each husband should provide his wife with physical intimacy, taking into account his strength and his obligations. However, the overarching consideration is the woman’s needs, which leads them to state that those individuals who are at leisure should be with their wives every day. Almost surely there are few women who long for physical intimacy every day, so why do the sages make this statement? Because we need to recall that a woman expects her husband, when he is unburdened by his work, to long for physical contact with her daily. If he does not, she quickly suspects and fears that he does not love her.
Thus, physical intimacy is not only about the fulfillment of physical desires, but also, and mainly, about expressing the inner love between the couple.
Stages of Intimacy
If the ultimate purpose of marriage is the revelation of the secret of love, then this revelation should follow the already established order of revelation with regard to a secret, as outlined by the sages:
Initially, the secret was revealed to those who fear God (יוָאֵרְי), as it is written, “The secret of Havayah is with those who fear Him.”
It was then given to the upright (יםִרָׁשְי), as it says, “And the secret of Havayah is with the upright.”
Subsequently, it was given to the prophets (יםִיאִבְנ), as it is written, “[God does nothing] unless He reveals His secret to His servants the prophets.”
The order suggested in this passage reveals that the preparation for marital intimacy should be fear of God. The fear of sin and the fear of forgetting God protect the couple from the clutches of extraneous diversions in mind and spirit. Fear of God also prevents the loss of love the couple have for each other—the loss of which can deteriorate into intimacy that is self-serving and aimed only at self-indulgence.
Indeed, the joy of intimacy should manifest as a state of “the hearts of the upright are joyful.” Between the couple, there should be a natural and earnest joy guiding the act of intimacy, which frees it from any complications, disturbances, or impurities that may arise from indulgence in immoral desires.
The final stage of prophecy is like a mirror-image of intimacy. It naturally awakens at the climax of the marital union to complete the bond between the couple with a seal of love. After the actual union, it is the responsibility of the spouses to act like “prophets” that pray for the conception and birth of a child and at the same time foresee the child's future, who will live a productive life long after they themselves. This is exemplified by Abraham, who is described by the sages as righteous, upright, and a prophet. God told Avimelech that Abraham was his hope, “For he is a prophet, and he will pray for you.” In fact, this is the first instance that the word “prayer” appears in the Torah, and its result was indeed the birth of a child.
In such a marriage, where the spouses are upright, God-fearing, and prophetic, “wine” (ןִיַי) whose letters are the initials of “God-fearing, upright, and prophets” (יםאֵרְי, יםיאִבְנ, יםִרָׁשְי) enters, and the secret of love is revealed.
(Yayin Mesame’ach vol. 2, pp. 49-51)
