This excerpt goes together with the review of HaRav Ginsburgh’s foundational book Shechinah Beineihem also in this issue. The cornerstone of every marriage is the love and respect between husband and wife. In many ways, the Torah focuses on the husband’s role in marriage because he is the one who bears the obligatory responsibility to wed and to take care of his wife’s needs.
Continuing his ever inspiring and demanding teachings on the topic of marriage, Rav Ginsburgh here argues that one should extend the example of love for God to love of one’s wife.
This is an excerpt from another Sheva Berachot farbrengen held in honor of a granddaughter’s marriage on the 6th of Cheshvan 5786 and first published in the Vayeira 5786 edition of Nifla’ot.
In the Book of Malachi, the prophet uses three connotations for the bride that every husband should think about:
You ask, “Because of what?” Because God is a witness between you and the wife of your youth with whom you have broken faith, though she is your friend and your wife in covenant.
The three connotations are: the wife of your youth, your friend, and your wife in covenant.
The middle connotation, she is your friend follows the idiom we like to quote that “a good wife is a good friend,” with all the implications that friendship has, including being a chavruta—someone you learn with.
The third connotation, your wife in covenant, implies that the connection goes well beyond friendship. It is based on a covenant, on a bond, on a pledge to always remain faithful to one another. It is the type of connection that two people who share an intimate secret have.
The Tzemach Tzedek said that there are three types of confidants, three types of people who keep a secret. There is the type whom you can tell knows the secret. There is a type that shows nothing outwardly, but internally, knows he is keeping a secret. And then there is the type of person who keeps the secret so hidden that even inwardly, they themselves do not know they are keeping a secret. This third type is a description of true female modesty—she herself does not know she is keeping a secret. Only when the time comes to reveal it, is it revealed.
Love Between Husband and Wife
Before we start looking at this correspondence, let us add that the Ba’al Shem Tov is reported to have said that a man should love his wife like he loves his tefillin. This saying is not meant to belittle the love between husband and wife, as a fool might think. On the contrary, it is meant to encourage a husband to love his wife even more than he does now. To understand this point, let us turn to the Tanya. The Alter Rebbe writes to his followers that they should always remember that a Jew does not love his wife (only) because of natural love, i.e., natural attraction. Not because she may cook for him and take care of the home and the children. Rather, a Jew should love his wife (and his children) because of the Divine in them and because it is a mitzvah to love them.
At first, it may seem that love should be natural, especially between husband and wife and between parents and their children. However, experience shows that though natural love can be an ingredient in a relationship, it cannot form its foundation because it is usually temporary as well as conditional.
When love for one’s wife is based on love of her Divine soul, it is a formula for lasting respect and interest. Since “commandment” in Hebrew (מצוה), mitzvah is cognate with “together” (צוותא), when love of one’s wife is based on the love of the commandment to be married, it leads to a feeling of togetherness. Since the woman represents the Divine Presence, it also fills the home with the Shechinah.
The most important thing between a husband and wife is love. The invitation to the Lubavitcher Rebbe’s wedding with the Rebbe Rayatz’s daughter included four paragraphs whose initials spell the word “love.” The Alter Rebbe explained that the mitzvah to love your fellow as you love yourself is greater than the mitzvah to love God, and one begins to truly fulfill love for others by loving his wife.
Love of God, Love of One’s Wife
We repeat daily, “And you shall love Havayah your God with all of your heart, with all of your soul, and with all of your might” (ואהבת את ה' אלקיך בכל לבבך ובכל נפשך ובכל מאדך). The original Hebrew words contain the untranslatable word את. The sages considered this word normally superfluous, so when it appears, the accepted principle is that its purpose is to include something more that the verse does not state explicitly. The sages identified fear as the inclusion, meaning that the verse is telling us to both love and fear God, “with all of....” However, because the word את appears before “Havayah your God, the inclusion should be related to the subject and it follows that its purpose here is to include one’s wife, whom you should love with all of your heart, etc.” A similar exegesis can be found regarding the verse, “Havayah your God you shall fear” (את ה' אלקיך תירא), where the sages learn that the את teaches the inclusion of scholars of Torah (talmidei chachamim). The connection between את and one’s wife is further strengthened by the fact that the word את can also be read as the feminine you (את).
If we would rewrite the verse with one’s wife as the subject, it would read, “You shall love the wife of your youth, your friend, and your wife in covenant.” Its meaning would be that first you should love your wife with both your inclinations. That is easy to understand, since without sanctifying the evil inclination and its attractive force, there could be no marital union and no offspring from marriage. This stage only requires a transformation or sweetening of our inclination—taking the evil inclination and using it for good.
Then you should “love your wife with all of your soul,” which requires self-coercion since regarding God, it means “even if He takes your soul.” Likewise, a husband should love his wife even if she seems to be taking his soul. The Hebrew word appearing in the verse (נפשך) does not literally mean “soul” (נשמה), but rather “your will.” Every husband should know that his wife might annul his will; she might take what he wants and sculpt it into something different. This is one of the goals of marriage according to the Chasidic interpretation that, “A good wife performs her husband’s will” should be understood as, “A good wife sculpts her husband’s will.”
Finally, you should “love your wife with all of your might,” which the sages interpret as “with all of your possessions.” Clearly, this means that whatever is mine is also my wife’s. Before the exile, one was obliged to use all his money to perform a commandment (later, this was limited to up to one-fifth of one’s possessions). The same applies to one’s wife. One should be willing to feel that (and be willing to give) all his possessions for her needs. The sages’ second interpretation is that one should be thankful to God, regardless of what measure one receives. Likewise, one should voice one’s thanks to his wife in all circumstances.
This is how we could follow the sages’ lead and reinterpret the verse as applied to a husband’s love for his wife.
Youthful Energy, Learning, and Partnership
Now, we would like to use our observations so far to delve a bit deeper into the correspondence. When the prophet describes a wife as “the wife of one’s youth,” he means to stress the youthful energy and love that includes both inclinations. That is why he also warns against being unfaithful to her, because it is the same youthful energy (today, we would say hormones) that could bring about infidelity, God forbid. Youthful love is still immature and therefore requires that the man indeed feel attracted to the woman he will marry, he cannot yet count on having a mature love that is based only on the love of the Divine soul in his wife.
The connotation, your friend, refers to the connection between husband and wife. This connection can be at multiple levels. At the intellectual level it manifests when the couple learn Torah together as a chavruta—literally, a friendship—but even more so, when they act to bring others close to Torah. The Torah relates that this is what Abraham and Sarah did—make a soul or make someone else’s will.
Finally, the highest level—your wife in covenant—is associated as we saw with possessions. The sages say that we find people who are more attached to their possessions than to their life—they would rather give up their life than their possessions. How is this possible? The explanation in Kabbalah is that though both life and possessions are emanations from one’s super-consciousness, from the sefirah of crown, life emanates from the crown’s will while possessions emanate from its pleasure. For this reason, sometimes, one cannot feel pleasure in life, but one constantly wants to continue living. Possessions, however, are strongly associated with pleasure and therefore are always experienced as such. The point is that the relationship between a husband and wife is immutable like the pleasure received from possessions; it is a covenantal relationship. Even if husband or wife do things that would God forbid hurt their relationship, they will not act to end it, because they feel that it is not just the product of a choice (of will), it is a product of that which is beyond will.
Conclusion
Shechinah Beineihem is a work that is best studied in conjunction with the recordings and transcripts of the many classes Rav Ginsburgh has given on it over the years. It is one of his fundamental works, capturing the essence of his thoughts on Chasidic psychology and relationships, which are mentioned time and again in almost every one of his teachings since then. It is not for the beginner and cannot be learnt without an expert knowledge of Hebrew and Torah. However, anyone seeking a Torah outlook on these topics, would do well to learn this volume seriously or undertake the systematic study of the many volumes on marriage and relationships that have since been published by Gal Einai, both in Hebrew and in English.
