Question One
Vacation is about to start and I find myself getting very concerned for my older boys who meet up with friends and really need good supervision to make sure they don’t meet up with the wrong people. In general, they don’t have enough going on to keep themselves occupied, so they’re much more vulnerable. How can I watch over them and/or stop them from getting involved in not-good relationships—especially when it’s hard to explain why the friends aren’t so desirable, and particularly when it’s the non-desirable friends who are running after them?
The concept of avoiding and distancing from a bad influence is one we see in the Torah, and no one would disagree on the problems that can arise from not-good friends. This issue is a challenge for all parents, and there’s no question that we all need a great deal of siyatta diShmaya in this area. We teach about it, talk about it, and try whatever we can to instill in our children the importance of having good friends and associating with the right people. Nonetheless, our direct influence (read: control) over our children’s behavior is extremely limited.
As much as we should and need to be as responsible as possible, no parent can claim that he knows exactly who his children’s friends are and everyone they come into contact with. This is nothing new: When we look back at our own childhoods, we can also see that there was a great deal that our parents didn’t know about what we were getting in to. Practically speaking, the first thing we need to do in this area is daven. As the Apter Rov notes in Parshas Mattos, when a person does a mitzvah, it creates a malach that protects him. When parents do many mitzvos, the malachim they create will go a long way toward protecting their children. Since we are limited in how much we can protect our children, we often need to rely on malachim to do the protecting for us.
The next thing for a parent to do is realize that the only relationship that you can control is your own, the one you have with your child. It’s so important to make sure that this relationship is the best it can be, so that you exert the maximum influence over your children from the connection you have with them.
This means, firstly, that you should try to create an atmosphere in which your children feel comfortable telling you about what’s going on in their lives. This involves not being too critical and trying not to be controlling, as criticism is very likely to make a child simply decide not to share things that are only going to get a negative reception.
Sometimes, parents feel an obligation to tell a child, “I don’t approve of this friend of yours.” Otherwise, how will the child know to steer clear? In general, especially with younger children, this does hold true. However, so much of chinuch is not about the specific example as much as generally giving clarity about what you agree with and appreciate, and what not. Children are far more likely to be open to receiving a message when it’s not directed at someone or something specific. This is just one more area where a “quick-fix” solution is likely to be less effective than a gentle, long-term osmosis effect.
When it comes to older children, however, it’s important to avoid being too open with your feelings if they already know very well that you don’t approve of a certain person or people, and hearing your comments might make them consider sharing less. It’s often far better to keep an open relationship where your child feels comfortable telling you, even if they’re aware that you don’t approve. This places a natural curb on their connection with that particular friend.
Of course if you see anything dangerous going on you are obligated to seek out guidance and take action, while making sure to do so in the right way. But in general, keeping the lines of communication open and voicing your opinion in a friendly and gentle way will achieve so much more than criticism or attempts at control. When your child sees that you’re interested in his life, he’s much more likely to build a life that you’ll approve of.
