Question Two
How should a parent react to extreme cases of chutzpah, such as nasty comments, or even getting physical? I’m asking about teenagers as well as younger children. For instance, what should a parent say to a child who responds to a request to do something with, “I’m not your slave”?
The first thing that should be done in such cases is point out to the child that their behavior is wrong. Teaching the difference between right and wrong is fundamental to chinuch. That said, from the question, it sounds like this behavior is something that’s happening on a regular basis. Whenever we run up against a recurring problem, it’s the approach to solving it that needs to be examined.
As parents, we have to be confident in our approach, and part of that means not being afraid to tell a child they’re wrong. A parent should never tolerate unacceptable behavior. However, part of displaying this confidence in our approach is remaining calm. When a child sees that we maintain a calm disposition regardless of chutzpah, or worse, this will influence them to have more respect for us.
On the other hand, when a child sees that we respond to chutzpah (or worse) defensively, by getting angry or losing it, this brings a parent down to the level of the child and leads to a loss of respect.
It’s very natural to want to retaliate against a child who said or did something very hurtful, and try to hurt them back, but this is a very damaging response, because the issue is no longer about kibbud av va’eim—it’s now become a battle between two “children,” one of whom happens to be bigger and stronger than the other.
Remaining calm means being assertive, steadfast in your position, and clear about how unacceptable the behavior is, while expressing yourself in a relaxed tone. When you speak in a calm tone of voice, you are automatically less personal or confrontational and it’s easier for others to hear your message. It also makes it clear that you aren’t reacting emotionally; rather, you mean what you say and intend to be consistent in applying it. You can also clarify the natural consequences of the unacceptable behavior without giving the impression that you’re out to control the outcome. As a parent, it shouldn’t be hard to come up with something reasonable and practical to implement (with fair warning) if the behavior persists.
You can also describe how such behavior makes you feel, without blaming a child for deliberately behaving badly.
It’s the fine line between being afraid to say something and saying too much that needs to be found.
