Question Three
I hate to admit it, but I don’t enjoy spending time with my children. I’m often angry or hurt by things they do, and look for ways to keep away from them. How can I enjoy spending time with my children when they are often defiant and I don’t enjoy being around them at all?
First of all, I commend this parent for their honesty on this issue. It’s of course impossible to fix something before admitting to the problem.
Secondly, I’d like to reassure the parent writing the question that they shouldn’t feel bad for feeling this way toward their children. There are children who are more challenging than others, and there are parents who have a lower threshold of tolerance than others—and that’s just their nature. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.
With that said, there are some pointers in such situations that may make things easier to deal with.
If honesty about your feelings is the first step, the second step is honesty about where the problems are coming from. Some children are definitely more challenging than others, and if we keep coming up against the same issues, over and over again, it can be a sign that we need to change our approach. If, for example, you know that a certain child reacts badly to last-minute changes of plan, then make allowances in cases where these are unavoidable. If a child finds it difficult to stop in the middle of a game and tidy up, even though he knows that six p.m. is tidy-up time, give him plenty of advance notice to avoid a situation that keeps recurring.
Other children may need a lot of attention and time to give them the support they need to behave properly and feel relaxed. Although it may be hard to fulfill their needs in this area, it’s likely to be the most productive and rewarding approach, not just in the short-term but also in the long-term. When a child is calmer because his needs are being met, it’s much easier for a parent to enjoy his company. Furthermore, as time passes, the child will often become less “needy” due to the time invested in him, and won’t even be considered a challenging child at all.
The other side of the story that might need addressing, as I noted, is the parent who might be experiencing challenges of his or her own. If you are exhausted, stressed, or dealing with anything that limits the amount of patience you have for your children, it’s important to recognize this and not see the issue as your children’s fault. It’s of course also important to do what you can to address these problems.
Sometimes, parents are stressed due to unrealistic expectations, when there’s actually nothing “wrong” at all. Consider it this way: When your children are at school, or in camp, do you seek out other children their age to spend time with, because you really enjoy the company of school-age children? It takes time for children to grow up and be pleasant company, and while some parents really do naturally enjoy spending time with younger children, many don’t, and that’s normal too.
If parents are prepared for all the possible challenges that arise, they’ll find it much easier to deal with them creatively. If you know it’s going to rain, you’ll plan your day around that and be happy with what you can accomplish. But the person who doesn’t look at the weather forecast and expects sunshine is going to be very frustrated when all his plans for outdoor activities have to be scrapped when the rain starts falling.
Even the most “child-friendly” parents are going to have their days when they’re not so much in the mood of spending time with their younger, or older children, and there’s nothing abnormal about that. Being realistic about your expectations, your challenges, and your children’s natures, is going to make a big difference here.
