“Israel loved Yosef from all his sons, for he was the child of his age, and he made him a coat of fine wool.” (Beraishis 37:3)
Having grown up in a home where Esav was his father’s favorite, one would imagine that Yaakov would be careful to treat his sons equally, and avoid favoritism. And yet, the Torah tells us he made no secret of his affinity for Yosef, to the point where his favor was known to all when he gave Yosef a special garment he didn’t give the others.
This led to jealousy and hurt feelings among the brothers, and they were unable to speak peaceably to Yosef. The fact that he seemed to tattle on them to their father, finding any excuse to condemn them, didn’t help, and they grew to hate their brother. This led to their selling him into slavery, the entire exile in Egypt with its harsh slavery and torture, and years later, the killing of ten sages by Roman officials as a “penance” for their act.
With all this on the line, how, indeed, could Yaakov have loved Yosef more than the others, and shown him overt favoritism? Why was he not concerned with creating jealousy?
The answer might surprise you, but it is also a great lesson for us to learn for life. When the Torah says that Yaakov loved Yosef more than all his brothers (combined, according to some commentaries), it is not in the way we imagine. R’ Dessler famously explains the word ahava, love, to have the root of ‘hav,’ which is Aramaic for give. He says that when we give to others, and truly invest in them, we grow to love them more. That’s why a groom gives gifts to his bride, so that his love for her grows.
When the Torah tells us that Yaakov “loved” Yosef more than his brothers, or for that matter, that Yitzchak “loved” Esav while Rivka “loved” Yaakov, what it really refers to is the amount of effort they invested in the child, based on the potential they each saw in him. Yitzchak saw Esav’s raw power, and wanted to harness it for good. Rivka felt she could not do anything with that, but she saw promise in Yaakov’s delicate nature and dedication to Torah. That is where she focused her efforts, and the “love” in the form of investing in his growth as R’ Dessler expresses.
Yaakov saw the tremendous potential in Yosef, both in his ability to lead a nation and to refrain from sin, and sought to capitalize on it. He gave Yosef what he needed to maximize and bring his potential to reality. He did the same for each of his sons, but because they needed less attention or effort than Yosef, he gave them less. They perceived this as a lack of love and caring on Yaakov’s part.
Hashem, too, gives us each what we need to maximize our potential. We all have different skills, abilities, challenges, and circumstances. We can’t look at someone and feel Hashem is favoring them over us, for He gives every person the ingredients for their own success in fulfilling their mission on earth; because He loves us all so much.
R’ Isser Zalman Meltzer z”l, the great Rosh Yeshiva and sage, was on his way to deliver a lecture in Yeshiva when he was stopped by a beggar asking for alms. R’ Isser Zalman gave him a generous amount but the fellow complained that it wasn’t enough.
The rabbi gave him more, but the man still had the audacity to ask for more. Once again, R’ Isser Zalman gave him another coin. The student walking with R’ Isser Zalman was aghast at how the beggar treated the great man, and stunned at the sage’s response.
“Why are you shocked?” asked R’ Isser Zalman. “Do you think I’m better than him because I’ve learned a lot of Torah and I give shiurim? The circumstances of life have led me to be a Rosh Yeshiva and him to be a beggar. I do not feel superior to him, so I felt obligated to grant his request, regardless of how he made it.”
©2025 – J. Gewirtz
