Question: My husband’s boss lets him leave early on Chanukah to get home for lighting. Sounds great, right? Not so fast. We light between sunset and nightfall and my husband puts the whole house under tension so this happens. I have to get the menorah and all the kids and myself ready so that when he runs in the door we can light! If things are not ready and we have to light late I can read his thoughts: “I work hard all day; can’t you just do this simple thing I ask!” We still fulfill the mitzvah by lighting after nightfall—why can’t he just relax a bit!
Answer:Your feelings are understandable. You have a lot on your plate - taking care of the home and family - and adding more responsibilities is not easy. In addition, nobody likes the feeling of tension in the home.
In a man’s service of Hashem he has numerous obligations that are time-oriented - starting at a certain time or needing to be completed by a certain time. He is often in a rush to catch the shacharit minyan and needs to make sure he davens mincha before sunset. For many of his obligations he is not dependent on others in order to begin on time. However, there are certain mitzvot where his drive to perform the mitzvah at the ideal time is contingent on those around him. This increases his tension.
Thus, while you may be thinking, “what’s your problem, calm down - so we will light a few minutes late,” he is trying to cap an inner volcanic pressure which is screaming, “this is when halacha says I am supposed to light!”
For a man, service of Hashem is a mixture of excitement and tension - excitement in the anticipation of doing the mitzvah, yet tension that it will be fulfilled properly. The more a wife understands the source of her husband’s tension (and that it is not personal) the easier it will be to diffuse the pressure and prevent the situation from escalating into an unnecessary fight.
Yet, while it is important to be understanding, the situation can also improve. When things are calm (not during the event) discuss with your husband ways to create a more pleasant atmosphere. Acknowledge how much you value his love for mitzvot, while also sharing your busy day and your many responsibilities (sometimes husbands are not aware).
In addition, think of practical solutions, i.e. get the menorah ready the night before, buy ready made cups with oil, etc. While mutual awareness and understanding are essential, the value of simple and practical solutions should not be underestimated.
Aharon Schmidt - marriage & individual counseling; [email protected]
