In this week’s Parsha the Torah tells us (Bereishis 37:2): “These are the offspring of Yaakov; Yosef, at the age of seventeen, was a shepherd with his brothers by the flock; he was a youth with the sons of Billah and the sons of Zilpah, his father’s wives, and Yosef would bring evil reports of them to their father.” Rashi tells us that any evil which he would see in the sons of Leah, he’d tell his father. That they ate eiver min hachai (live animal limb), that they belittled the sons of Bilhah and Zilpah by calling them slaves, and that he suspected them of immorality. How is it possible that Yosef suspected his brothers of these sins?
According to the Tosafos HaShalem, Yoseph saw his brother eating from a mefarcheses, (an animal which had its neck slit but wass still thrashing about; such an animal is considered slaughtered and is permitted to be eaten by a Jew.) According to the Gur Aryeh, Yosef thought his brothers were calling the sons of Bilhah and Zilpah slaves when they were referring to the secondary wives as originally being slaves. According to the Tosafos HaShalem, some of the brothers were married to a mother and daughter. (They held this was not a forbidden relationship, since in their opinion, the mother-daughter relationship did not exist between the non-Jewish women they married.)
Rashi tells us that in retribution for bringing these evil reports to Yaakov, Yosef suffered in these three areas. Because he claimed they ate of eiver min hachai, the Torah reports that they slaughtered a goat but did not eat from it, and instead used it to dip his coat in. Because he claimed they called their brothers slaves, the Torah tells us, they sold Yosef as a slave. Because of the immorality he related about them, the Torah tells us his master’s wife cast her eyes on Yosef. Instead of talking TO his brothers, Yosef spoke ABOUT his brothers. For each area he spoke about, he was punished. With that in mind, how can we enhance our marriage and learn from Yosef’s mistakes?
Sometimes we can think it is okay to speak about our spouses to our best friend or to our parents. We could tell ourselves that we need to vent, and it is permitted, it is for a purpose. If we are honest with ourselves, we know deep down that speaking ABOUT someone instead of TO them is making the same mistake that Yosef made. There are unique times that we cannot be Mevater, but it takes effective communication skills to be able to navigate a conversation with our spouse without falling into a dispute or having things blow up into a fight. The most important words we can use to prevent a fight are the words, “I Feel...”. If we can share our feelings with our spouse, this type of communication can bring us closer to our spouse.
It takes self-control to talk TO instead of ABOUT. It takes courage to express our feelings, but the dividends are worth the effort. May Hashem bless our efforts with success and may He shine the light of Shalom Bayis into our homes!
