When a person is going through a hard time, he should be happy with the yesurim and believe it is all for the good. However, when one hears about other people's problems, it is wrong to think, "It's for your good; I’m so happy it happened."
One must train himself to feel the other person's problem as if it were his own and be distressed about it.
Reb Shlomo Kluger zt'l (Imrei Shefer) says that this is the reason Moshe told Aharon's family that they shouldn't mourn the death of their brother and son, Nadav and Avihu, on the day the Mishkan was established, but the rest of Klal Yisrael had to mourn for them. As it states (Vayikra 10:6) ויאמר משה אל אהרן ואל אלעזר ואל איתמר בניו ראשיכם אל תפרעו ובגדיכם לא תפרמו... ואחיכם כל בית ישראל יבכו את השרפה אשר שרף ה', "Moshe said to Aharon, and to Eleazar and to Isamar his sons, 'Do not leave your heads unshorn, and do not rend your garments... But your brothers, the entire house of Yisrael, shall bewail the conflagration that Hashem has burned.'" The nation should cry and mourn. It wasn't their misfortune; therefore, it was incumbent on them to feel the pain, not say, "It's bashert, so I don't care." You can say that about your own tzaros but not regarding other people's tzaros.
Rebbe Moshe, son of Rebbe Dovid of Lelov zt'l, was very ill as a child. Everyone in the house was crying and begging Hashem that he should recover from his illness. As they were davening, a neighbor came in and said that his son was also very ill and they should daven for him as well. The family did as he requested.
Their tefillos for Rebbe Moshe were answered. The boy began to show signs of improvement, and there was a lot of joy in the Rebbe's home. The Rebbe (Rebbe Dovid of Lelov) rebuked his family. "You heard a few moments ago that a neighbor's son is very sick. How can you be happy when someone else is in tzaar?"
Rebbe Yitzchak of Vorke was in the home (of Rebbe Dovid of Lelov) when this occurred, and he would say that this is the meaning of the Gemara (Megillah 28.) "People asked Reb Zeira, 'Why did you merit a long life?'' He said, 'I was never happy when my friend had a downfall.' This Gemara is difficult to understand. Is that a merit for which one will live long? To be happy that your fellow man has problems is simply cruel and disgusting.
Reb Zeira meant that even when there were other reasons to be happy in his life, something good happened to him; he didn't allow himself to be happy when he knew that his friend was going through a hard time.
When Sarah gave birth to Yitzchak, there was a lot of joy and happiness in the world. Rashi (Bereishis 21:6) writes, "Many barren women were able to bear children together with her, many ill were healed on that day... and there was a lot of joy in the world." Why was this miracle necessary? Why did many people receive their salvation when Yitzchak was born? It is because Avraham and Sarah had perfect middos, and they wouldn't be able to rejoice in the miracle that happened to them when they knew that there were people who were suffering in the world. Therefore, at this time, Hashem brought a lot of laughter and joy to the world so that Avraham and Sarah could also rejoice.
The Yalkut Shimoni (Mishlei ch.14, נ"תתק) says that Moshe sent Yisro back home, and he didn't permit him to stay for Matan Torah because Yisro hadn't participated in the pain and the hard work in Mitzrayim. הקדוש ברוך הוא אמר בני היו משועבדים בטיט ולבנים במצרים ויתרו היה יושב בתוך ביתו בהשקט ובא לשמוח עם בני לפיכך וישלח משה את חותנו, "Hakodosh Baruch Hu said, 'My children were enslaved, working with tar and bricks in Mitzrayim, and Yisro was comfortable in his house. And now he wants to come and to rejoice with My children?' Therefore, Moshe sent his father-in-law home."
Reb Boruch Mordechai Ezrachi zt'l (הן הן דבריו זכרונם לברכה, his lessons are for his holy memory) asked that also the ערב רב (the Egyptians that Moshe converted before yetzias Mitzrayim) didn't work hard in Mitzrayim. Why were they permitted to receive the Torah?
Reb Boruch Mordechai answered that the problem wasn't that Yisro didn't work as a slave in Mitzrayim. The problem was that he didn't feel the pain of others. Whoever doesn't participate in the tzaar of others doesn't deserve to rejoice together with them.
We will now prove that we must feel the pain of every Yid, and even of those who are still distant from the ways of Yiddishkeit and who haven't yet found the path of Torah. Rashi (Bereishis 6:7) says that when Noach was in the teivah, he had to live with tzaar because the world was in tzaar. The people of his generation were resha'im, nevertheless, Noach had to experience their pain. Certainly, we must feel the tzaar of another Yid, no matter what level they are at. We shouldn’t say, "He isn't my type of Yid. I don't have to care about his tzaros." When a Yid is in tzaar, we must participate. Our hearts must be with them.
Indeed, it was the ways of tzaddikim to participate in the tzaar of others. We will give just a few examples:
- Reb Mordechai Shulman zt'l, rosh yeshiva Slabodka, said that when he was a bachur, he slept in the Chofetz Chaim's home, and the Chofetz Chaim would sleep without a pillow! This was during World War One, and the Chofetz Chaim explained, "When Yidden are sleeping in bunkers, I can't sleep on a pillow" (Meir Einei Yisrael vol.1, p.90).
- During World War Two, the Kopishnitzer Rebbe zt'l wouldn’t eat meat on a weekday, although doctors told him that he should eat meat for his health. The Rebbe Rayatz of Lubavitz zt'l wrote him that he should be cautious with his health and follow the doctors' diet. The Kopishnitzer Rebbe replied, "I also consider it important to listen to the doctors' counsel, but I made a kabbalah and a decision that I won't eat meat on a weekday until Hashem will look down from heaven and have compassion on His nation. I tremble with fear when I think about the great tzaros and devastation that our brothers of Bnei Yisrael are suffering. The hairs on my head stand up in fright..."
- Reb Shneur Kotler zt'l studied in Yerushalayim as a bachur, and before returning to America for his chasunah, he went to his grandfather, Reb Issar Zalman Meltzer zt'l, to receive his brachos. Reb Issar Zalman benched him, and then Reb Issar Zalman walked him outdoors to the stairs of his house. He walked down two stairs with Reb Shneur, and Reb Shneur walked down the rest of the stairs himself. Someone asked Reb Issar Zalman why he doesn't go down all the steps with his grandson. He replied, "The stairs I didn't go down are for the thousands of young men who couldn’t get married." He was referring to the thousands who were killed al kiddush Hashem before they could get married and build a family. He didn't want to forget the tzaar of so many others, even during the joyous time of his grandson’s marriage.
Hashem doesn’t expect us to sleep without a pillow, stop eating meat, or abstain from joining in family simchos. But we must feel the tzaar of Bnei Yisrael. Chalilah that we should be callous when the blood of Bnei Yisrael is spilling like water. Chalilah, if we don’t participate in the feelings of anguish and fear that is the portion of so many families today. There are also many families that have left their homes to live in safer areas. They live in galus, without knowing when, and if ever, they will return to their homes. It would be very insensitive to live a completely comfortable life, with the only change being that we listen to the news more often than before.
What should a person do if he doesn't feel the pain and agony of others? The Chazon Ish zt'l advises that he should daven for them and try to help them. Doing so will eventually cause them to genuinely care about the plight of others.
We quote the Chazon Ish's letter (Igros vol.1, 123): "You aren't feeling other people's tzaar. The counsel is that you should try to help your fellow man going through hard times and daven for him. Even if the words of tefillah aren't from your heart. And this is even if the person in tzaar is a simple and ordinary person."
