The strengths and struggles of adopting Jewish observance later in life; when one spouse advances faster spiritually, creating friction with a lagging partner; the question of compromise
By the Grace of G-d
10th of Sivan, 5725
Brooklyn, N.Y.
Mrs. ...
Baltimore 7, Md.
Blessing and Greeting:
I am in receipt of your letter in which you mention your background and also about the change in your way of life, after having been raised in an environment which was not one hundred percent orthodox; however, in due course you experienced a change and became more observant of the Jewish way of life, which has created certain frictions between you and your husband.
Judging by the content of your letter, it is surely unnecessary for me to emphasize at length that it is natural for a human being to grow and advance steadily, not only physically but also and above all, spiritually. Such advancement is possible only through the acquisition of additional knowledge, particularly of course the knowledge which has to do with the world outlook and has a bearing not only upon the physical aspect of life. Consequently, as a person grows and develops and discovers new vistas in this realm, there is no reason to fear or regret. On the contrary, one should be grateful to Divine Providence, which has opened one’s eyes to see the true light, regardless of any difficulty which this may entail.
Needless to say, one who has not been brought up in this way from childhood, finds many difficulties in the resolution to change one’s life, including various frictions, etc., which is not the case with a person who has been brought up in the proper environment from the start. On the other hand it is clear that human nature is such that when a person attains something through his own efforts and after a great deal of thinking, etc., such attainment is so much sweeter than anything which a person attains without effort or toil. This is true even in material things; and much more so in spiritual things.
I would like to make a further point. The yetzer hora, whose purpose is to distract a person and prevent his attaining perfection, will obviously not come with the argument: “To be sure, you have found the truth, but why take the trouble to follow it?” Such an argument would of course be rejected. So the yetzer hora attempts to distract and confuse a person in other ways. However, if one is on guard, one has a different evaluation of the difficulties which impede one’s advance along the path of goodness and holiness.
I can well understand that your husband, who has not gone together with you along this path, or at any rate, has lagged behind you, may sometimes be somewhat dissatisfied that the other partner in life has greater progress, while he had not yet found the strength to follow suit. On the other hand, in such a case it is clear who has to make the concession in order to avoid friction. For the non-religious person it is easier to make a concession, inasmuch as it does not involve any transgression or sin or even any strong conviction or matter of conscience; at most it might involve certain inconveniences. On the other hand, for the religious person, a concession means a breach of strong religious feelings and convictions that go to the very core of the soul.
From the above it follows that the other partner, if he will only see that there is no attempt by the other party to be domineering, but that the other party is only motivated by strong feelings and convictions of having found the truth, and consequently wants to see a near and dear person share in this new-found truth — realizing this will eventually change his attitude, especially if you follow the ways of Torah, which are ways of pleasantness and peace.
Inasmuch as all true things are reflected in the Torah, the above thoughts are particularly timely, now that we have celebrated the Festival of Shovuos, the Season of Our Receiving the Torah. For, as the Torah indicates – when G-d was about to give the Torah to the Jewish people, He told Moshe Rabbenu to address himself first to the women and only after they agree, he should approach the men.
Indeed, the women accepted the Torah with extraordinary enthusiasm and then all the Jewish people accepted the Torah willingly and eagerly, and G-d addressed Himself personally to each and every Jew and Jewess: “I am G-d thy G-d” – in the singular person, to emphasize the personal relationship between each and every Jew and G-d.
May G-d grant that all the difficulties and frictions should soon be no more, that you and your husband should go hand in hand together along the path of truth, the way of the Torah and the mitzvoth, with joy and gladness of heart and together bring up your children to a life of Torah, Chuppah and good deeds, in good health and ample sustenance.
With blessing,
P.S. I was pleased to be informed that you attended the Convention of the Chabad women. I trust the inspiration will be with you throughout the year.
Shemos 19:23 and Rashi ad loc.
Ibid., 20:2. See also Rashi ad loc.
See Yalkut Shimoni on the above-mentioned verse (sec. 286).
