Equality, the hallmark of modern times, as most know, does not mean uniformity. Equality between husband and wife has, since the days of the Patriarchs been one of the foundational beliefs of Judaism. Sometimes, this equality is elusive, and we can only hope that it is achieved sooner rather than later.
In this excerpt from a farbrengen held on the 3rd of Cheshvan 5786, in honor of a granddaughter’s marriage, HaRav Ginsburgh talks about the meaning of equality in marriage and how lack of equality is a feature of exile.
The full farbrengen was published in the Lech Lecha 5786 edition of Nifla’ot.
It is written that in the future, during the Days of Mashiach (and the Lubavitcher Rebbe said that we are already living in the Days of Mashiach), the husband and wife need to be equal. The exact idiom used is “equally tall” (ןָתָמֹקוְּין בִוָׁש), which means that both are motivated by the same aspect of the levels of the soul—specifically, by a common will. How can this be achieved? The important thing is that they feel that they share the same mission. They agree on the importance of fulfilling their mission in life. This level of connection is referred to as “my twin” in the Song of Songs, the highest level of connection among: “my sister, my wife, my dove, my twin.”
In the Zohar, this type of connection is described as “balance” (אּלְקְתַמ). One of the most ancient parts of the Zohar writes, “Before there was balance, they [male and female] could not look at each other face to face.” Lack of balance is what caused the shattering of the vessels and prevented Godliness from revealing itself in reality. The reality that shattered is known as “the World of Chaos.” The reality that God reconstructed from the shattered shards is known as the “World of Rectification.”
From Vertical to Horizontal Relationships
What we learn from this is that the difference between a state of chaos (that eventually shatters) and a state of rectification (that remains robust) is that chaos is a horizontally oriented, hierarchical relationship between two things (for instance, husband and wife). Rectification is based on a horizontal, face-to-face, egalitarian relationship between two things. Usually in Kabbalah this distinction is applied to the model of the sefirot, which in the World of Chaos stood one above the other on a vertical line, but to be rectified, were placed along horizontal axes as well. But this is equally applicable to every area of life.
In fact, this is the meaning of the verse, “I will make him a helpmate facing him.” The key here is that they are facing each other. When? The sages say, when the man merits, his wife becomes his helper; meaning, that if the husband understands that his wife is his equal, they will merit a good life together. But, if he feels that he is superior to her, meaning that he is above her, and their relationship is based on a vertical hierarchy, she will oppose him. It is mostly the husband who needs to choose: Will I treat my wife as my equal or as my inferior.
So long as a man is not married, his innate approach is hierarchical. Only when he gets married can he begin to build a relationship based on equality with his wife. This reminds us of the famous saying from Rebbe Yaakov Yitzchak of Pshischa (known as the Heilige Yid). He said that when there are two dots arranged horizontally in the Chumash or Siddur, it indicates God’s essential Name, Havayah (interlocked with the Name Adni). But when two dots are arranged vertically, with one superior to the other, that is a sign that this is “the end [of a verse].” The ability to align ourselves horizontally with others begins at home, in our marital relationship.
Locality and Non-Locality
Another point to add to this is that regardless of how close two dots are, when they are arranged vertically, their essence is as far apart as can be. Because there is no real connection between them, the physical distance between them does not matter. Internally, they might as well be at opposite ends of the Universe. But, when two dots are arranged horizontally—when a husband and wife, or any two people, see each other face to face—even if they physically are indeed at opposite ends of the Universe—they are spiritually and essentially near.
In physics this is known as a non-local phenomenon due to quantum coupling, which means that two particles (or two galaxies, it can happen at any scale theoretically) can exchange information between them instantaneously even if they are at opposite ends of the Universe, all because they are coupled. Coupled particles are truly like identical twins. Because they are equal, they are always together, regardless.
Exile and the Vertical Dimension
Our aspiration is that we all face one another, that we see eye to eye. When considering the correspondence between vertical and horizontal relationships and axes, the length dimension is vertical and the width dimension is horizontal (the dimension of depth is an inner dimension, revealing the hidden depths of a relationship). In Kabbalah, the word length is associated with the line (or ray) of infinite light that brings God’s revelation into reality, but the line is always associated with hierarchy. There are those that are closer to the line’s origin, and as it penetrates further and further into reality, it represents a greater distance from Godliness.
We use the word “length” to indicate the “length of our exile.” It follows then that the state of exile is prolonged because we find ourselves relating to one another vertically (length) instead of horizontally (width).
To end the exile, we must adopt a horizontal mentality.
The holy Rebbe Yisrael of Ruzhin said that the way to combat the heresy that will be rampant before Mashiach comes is by conducting as many farbrengens as possible. In an authentic Chasidic farbrengen everyone is equal. There is no explicit hierarchy between the participants. Everyone is facing everyone else, which is why it is common that words of rebuke are heard when one participant feels that another deserves it.
True Partnership
We have spoken about the various signs and gematriot related to this year 5786. One of them is that 786 is the value of the holy Name, השתפא, which is the Atbash letter substitution of God’s Name, “Hosts” (תֹאוָבְצ). Even though this does not seem to be a word in Hebrew, השתפא is considered the Name associated with “partnership” (תּפוּתֻׁש). In fact when we write 786 as תשפ"ו, the letters can be rearranged to spell the word “partner” (ףָּתוּש).
Every household should be rich in possessions, and the husband and wife should be equal partners in them all. Of course, the best partner of all to have is God Himself. The Rebbe is also a very good partner to have.
