Stop ‘Loving’ Everyone
Now I understand that today, because we live among the nations of the world we’ve become acclimated to their attitudes, to the empty ideal of ‘love of a fellowman’ of the street, and so we have a long road ahead of us if we’re going to love our fellow Jews the way the Torah wants. Even frum Jews have been influenced by non-Jewish attitudes of loving our fellowman – at best it’s a certain allegiance, a patriotism – and therefore it’s a mitzvah that is not being fulfilled.
After all, how is it that liberals love everyone? Liberals talk the talk; they love everybody because when it comes to dovrei sheker, to people who speak falsehoods, there’s no limit to the falsehood. It’s not love; it’s just words and so they can love criminals and the homeless and the sinners. They can even love murderers and rapists. Talk is cheap so why not love everyone already?
And the frum Jews follow that attitude. If it’s just a declaration, if it’s just a matter of signing on the dotted line, so we can love everyone too. We can love our mechalelei Shabbos Jews and apikorsim Jews and the toeivah Jews and Reform Jews too, because it’s nothing at all. We understand that if you love everyone then you love no one. You can’t just say, “I love everybody.” Everything is nothing! It’s sheker.
A Practical Eitzah
But we’re talking the emes here and the emes is we do not love people. We have maybe some potential for loving them, but to actually do it – to serve Hashem by actually loving the Am Yisroel with a genuine affection – nobody’s doing that unless they work on it.
But the question is how? How do we do it? So I’ll tell you an eitzah I heard from an adam gadol. Fifty years ago he told this to me and that’s how I started loving Jews. “Forget right now about loving everybody,” he said, “Start with one Jew. Pick one Jew and make up your mind that with this one, you’re going to fulfill the command of loving him.”
Now, it doesn’t mean we’re going to forget what our goal is. We want to love all of the Am Yisroel. If he’s a shomer mitzvos, if he tries to keep the mitzvos, then even though he doesn’t do everything the way you do it, he’s still worthy of your love. Who cares what kind of yarmulke he wears; if he wears a knitted yarmulke or if he wears something else? A person who eats kosher, he sends his children to yeshiva and not public school, he’s a shomer Shabbos, he has mezuzos on his doors, you’re mechuyav to love him. And don’t make any mistake about it! Even though he follows a different rebbi, or a different set of political objectives, nevertheless, don’t lose sight of the fact that Hashem loves him and that therefore you’re obligated to think well of him and to love him too.
Tough Love
I’ll tell you something else that people get snagged on. Even if someone harmed you in some way, no difference; your love for him has to continue undiminished. You have a right to tell him what wrong he did. You have a right even to call him to din Torah. But the fact that he wronged you and you’re upset at him does not make him possul and unworthy of the mitzvah of the love of his fellow Jew – even if you’re that fellow Jew. Because Hakadosh Baruch Hu is our yardstick for loving, not our pithy emotions.
Now I understand that it’s not an easy thing to do, but that’s the chok haTorah! It’s expected of us al pi din Torah. If it’s a person who keeps the Torah, then it makes no difference what he did to you. You are mechuyev to love him because Hashem loves him. Even the biggest pain in the neck – he’s rude and he never smiles at you and he takes your seat in the synagogue and his children walk on your lawn all the time and he blocks your driveway with his car – you’re obligated to love him.
But that’s too much of a test to start with. You’re going to start by choosing someone whom it’s difficult to love? No, that’s not the way. It’s your goal, yes – and if we start today, maybe we’ll arrive there one day – but to start this program of loving one Jew at a time it’s not necessary to pick out somebody whom it’s difficult to love. You have to begin min hakal el hakoved.
Easy Love
So this adam gadol told me that we start with an easier person, somebody who won’t be too much of a trial, someone who will be easier to love. Instead of picking a nasty fellow, a nasty frum Jew who ignores you and doesn’t have good manners, choose someone who’s polite and friendly to you, a person who likes you and he does you favors too. Certainly, that’s the one to choose; it makes it so much easier.
It’s also a bigger obligation. That’s a Torah principle, whatever comes easy is more of an obligation to fulfill. The Gemara (Menachos 43b) says הַנּוֹעֵן לָבָן עַל הַנּוֹעֵן תְּכֵלֶת – the punishment you get for neglecting the white threads will be greater than the punishment for neglecting the blue threads. In tzitzis, they used to have techeiles threads and of course lavan, white threads, like we have. But the techeiles threads are expensive, much more than plain white threads, and so a person who neglected to put in lavan threads, he’s punished much more because it’s so easy and accessible, so available. So that’s the principle; whatever comes easier, the obligation is bigger. And so with the easier Jew it’s a bigger obligation and therefore that’s the one to begin with.
Now who should you start on? I’ll tell you soon who I say should be the first one – you might be surprised – but you can start on, let's say, your parents. Absolutely you must learn to love your father and your mother. And they’re the easiest to love because they do so much for you.
Cultivating Unnatural Love
Now, to most people this may seem superfluous because there’s a certain animalistic attachment which automatically causes a certain affection for a parent. But that’s not enough because Hakadosh Baruch Hu loves your father and your mother not like a son loves his parents. He loves them with a tremendous love reserved for the Am Yisroel and you have to love them like that. Of course, it’s difficult but at least in the case of your parents it’s easier to do – the natural attachment makes it easier.
But it’s not enough to have that natural attachment. You have to invest effort. You have to think thoughts that will inflame your heart at least as a semblance of how Hashem loves them. He’s the prototype, the consummate אוהב עמו ישראל, and you’re trying to love them as much as you can in order to reflect at least a little bit the love of Hashem.
It pays to dedicate one minute a day to that program. For one minute now I’m going to start loving my mother. A mother, she’s very easy to love. The father, sometimes he had to hit you so it’s a little bit harder but a mother; who can’t love their mother?
Love Your Mother
So do it! Once and for all do it! Look at the clock: “For one minute on the clock, I’m going to love my mother.” First thing you think is that Hakadosh Baruch Hu loves her. He loves her with a powerful and undying love. אַהֲבַת עוֹלָם אֲהַבְתִּיךְ – I love you with an everlasting love. “And if He loves her with a fiery love then I’m going to try and raise myself up to that.”
Also, you can think about a good quality your mother has. She has many but that’s not the way to think; just to say ‘many’ that’s not the way. Think of a specific idea, something that you can love about your mother. She’s always worrying about you, always thinking about you; there’s so much to love about her. “I’m fulfilling now the mitzvah of loving my fellow Jew because I’m loving my mother, trying to love her the way Hashem loves her.”
Try that for a week; one minute a day for a week. I guarantee you’ll be a different person. Everyone else is talking about ahavas Yisroel but you’re really doing it.
Love Your Brother
If you want a change of pace, after the first week you can spend a week loving your father. One minute a day for a week! Seven minutes! It’s not enough, it’s nothing yet, but at least you’re starting, you’re training yourself.
Next week you can love brothers and sisters. Not all of them at once. One at a time.
Now that seems a little queer. You’ll go home tonight and they’ll say, “What did you hear from him tonight?”
“He told us to love our brothers.”
“Heh, heh, heh! Hu hu hu! You don’t know that? You need Rabbi Miller for that?!”
But who does it? Who thinks about it? If he loves, he loves; if not, not. A little bit, not much. Whatever it is, he never thought about it.
No, no, lo zu haderech – that’s not the way. We have to get busy on this because we are derelict in this duty. It takes work but at least one minute a day it deserves.
From Deer to Deer
And we must understand that even though we sometimes have friction with our siblings, we have to know הִנֵּה מַה טּוֹב וּמַה נָּעִים; there’s nothing as beautiful in the eyes of Hashem as אַחִים גַּם יָחַד, when the brothers are together. You know why? Because it’s easiest to love your brother.
Now once you get the hang of it there’s no stopping. There’s a whole nation to love; neighbors and friends and cousins and uncles. And so you’ll decide that with this one person, I’m not going to just react like an animal. A deer might also react pleasantly to a fellow deer who is nice to him. He might love his fellow deer, why not. Practice loving him because he’s a Jew. “Look at him!” you say to yourself; “a descendant of Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov. He’s from the am kadosh, the nation that Hashem loves.”
Climb That Ladder
Of course, while you're doing that you’re trying to find out what good things could motivate this love. Sometimes it’s just because Hakadosh Baruch Hu loves them. But if you can discover some good qualities that cause it to be easier, absolutely you should look for things to grab onto! Find things that will help you climb that ladder of ahavas Yisroel.
