Antagonized by My Landlord
Question: Dear Rabbi Mandel. My landlord (in Westgate) is critical and quick to blame. She bothered me a lot this summer, just when I had twin boys, about garbage around the property, bags not being tied properly ... idk. Every other day, I got some kind of message how I got an “F” in garbage management. After a while, I spoke to her, that she’s consistently accusatory without basis. Idiots know how to take out the garbage. We’re good neighbors downstairs, and I’ve always lived under people, never having an issue. My past landlords were always considerate to me, and I was respectful to them.
I told her to start letting go of all her (Meshugena) Hakpados. She had shared with me about her OCD in the past, and how it makes her kids crazy; i.e., the order in the house that she requires of her family of nine. I told her this’ll help make them happy too. She laughed about her crazy need to organize. A few times after she shared this with me, I told her to go get help; that anxiety is very treatable. She goes into the street every day, and cleans other people’s garbage....
The text messages and comments she sends to me are less frequent now, because I think she’s more self-conscious to reach out and dump her own garbage on me. But I find her still very hurtful sometimes and relentless, and I want to think of her well.
I’ve gotten her little presents or homemade cookies over the months so I wouldn’t feel so badly towards her. I want to think of her well. She just makes me so crazy sometimes, and has this double standard, where it’s her home, and I’m just a lucky guest or something. They make tons of noise over our heads throughout the night, which is very hard for my three kids trying to sleep.
She has a very hard-time sharing space, and so when she whines to me about something that bothers her, I feel like telling her she shouldn’t have tenants then. But I know it’s even harder for her children (than it is for me) with all her demands... so I try to push it to the side. She’s a good person at heart, though. I just want to keep the peace, and not be bothered anymore.
I want to love her, but she is causing me a lot of Agmas Nefesh. These basic issues make it difficult for me to take care of my family properly. After expressing these issues in a sensitive way, I still feel she is not responsive. She is in her own world, very self-absorbed in her own needs and wants. Not wanting to have ill feelings towards people, I make it my business to show love and care in personal ways. I also try to downplay my negativity, and look at all of the good that they try to provide. And to see these problems in the larger context, that she is really struggling. But in the process, I’m being antagonized a lot, which makes it hard for me to love her. Plus, it’s hurtful and extremely uncomfortable. It is challenging and frustrating to live this way, with essential things not being addressed or considered. I’m also a human being! Any advice please?
Answer: Keep away from sticky situations. Go along; never argue! Don't care what people say. You're not a sensitive person. Why get messed up in things? You have no responsibility to answer to the whole world, i.e., "What she thinks" and "What that one thinks". Keep away! Enjoy life! Get involved in Zikkui HaRabbim, instead of worrying about these things. They'll pull you down. You don't need that. And the more you ignore, the more you grow. Just ignore. It's all from Hashem. It's not from that person. Hashem is testing you to make you great.
