Question: I liked the C.A.L.M.E.R.S. Method to avoid anger and how you fit the practical techniques into an acronym. Do you think it would be possible to create an acronym for techniques related to Shalom Bayit?
Answer: Below are several guiding principles that have been discussed in various columns over the years. The general thrust is for each person to do their inner work so as to create a more peaceful and harmonious marriage. The techniques are organized with the acronym, The H.A.R.M.O.N.Y. Method©.
Home. Put the marriage—the home— first; do what is best for the marriage, beyond individual wants and needs. When both partners prioritize the "us" over the "me," there will be fewer arguments and greater closeness. When conflict arises, reframe it as "us" facing a challenge together. Ask: "How can we solve this together in a way that works for both of us?" Remember: don't be right, be married.
Aim for your goal. Keep your ultimate objective clearly before you: to maintain a close, caring, and loving marriage. Before speaking or acting, pause and ask yourself: will this bring me closer to my goal or further away?
Replace defense with understanding. When your spouse shares a concern, resist the knee-jerk reaction to defend yourself. Instead, truly listen. Put yourself in their shoes and seek to understand their perspective. Defending creates distance; understanding creates closeness.
Mindfully focus on the good. Avoid tunnel vision—that tendency to focus exclusively on what frustrates you. Consciously redirect your thoughts toward your spouse's positive qualities. This shift will strengthen your relationship and bring out the best in them.
Open acceptance. Accept your spouse as they are. We all have imperfections and are growing. Attempts to change another person breed resistance and resentment. Acceptance creates closeness; lack of acceptance creates distance.
Nurturing Dialogue. Avoid accusing; rather describe how situations and behaviors make you feel. Also, use collaborative language, i.e., how can we resolve this situation in a way that works for both of us.
Your soul mate. You and your spouse are two halves of one whole, brought together through Divine Providence. Your spouse helps you to grow, step out of your “comfort zone”, and realize your deepest potentials.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage & individual counseling: www.aharonschmidt.com.
