In this week’s parsha we learn about how Yaakov was tricked into marrying both Rochel and Leah. Originally he had only planned to marry Rochel, however, Lavan tricked him. After Yaakov discovered he had been given Leah instead of Rochel, he was still determined to marry Rochel. He confronted Lavan about the matter and he was told מלא שבוע זאת. The Yerushalmi (Moed Kotan 1:7) explains, that Lavan was telling him, that he should first celebrate a week of sheva berachos with Leah, and then he could marry Rochel. In this week’s parsha we have the source for celebrating the week of sheva berachos, therefore, we will take this week’s opportunity to discuss some halachos related to the week of sheva berachos. We will talk about the prohibition for a chosan to work during the week of sheva berachos, if mechilah from the kallah helps, may a chosan write chiddushei Torah? Must a chosan reduce the amount he normally learns? Should a chosan recite ויהי נועם on the motzei Shabbos before his chasunah? And more.
ויהי נועם
It’s well known that a chosan isn’t supposed to work during his week of sheva berachos, however, what exactly is the status of this prohibition. An important nafka minah [practical difference] is whether a chosan should recite ויהי נועם on motzei Shabbos the week before his chasunah. The Rema (295) writes that when Yom Tov falls in the middle of the upcoming week we don’t recite ויהי נועם on motzei Shabbos. The Mishnah Berurah (s.k. 3) explains that in ויהי נועם we say, ומעשה ידינו כוננה עלינו ומעשה ידינו כוננהו - “The work of our hands establish for us; the work of our hands establish it”, therefore, we need that the upcoming week is a week where one is able to work. The source for the Mishnah Berurah is the Tur. The Tur writes that since we mention, ומעשה ידינו - “the work of our hands”, twice, we need a week where there are six working days. The Prisha explains, one ומעשה ידינו refers to the work of the meleches haMishkon, and the other refers to the work that we do during the six days of the week. Since ומעשה ידינו refers to the six days of the week where one works, if in the upcoming week there is a Yom Tov and one won’t be able to work all six days then ויהי נועם is omitted.
The Drisha explains slightly differently, he explains that the week is split into two halves: Sunday, Monday and Tuesday are connected to the past Shabbos, and Wednesday, Thursday and Friday are connected to upcoming Shabbos (see Pesochim 106a). We daven for our מעשה ידינו twice, once for the work we do on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, and once for the work we do on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. If there is a Yom Tov in the upcoming week, we aren’t able to work during both parts of the week, therefore, we omit the tefillah of ויהי נועם.
Source for Prohibition for Chosan to Work
The Rambam (Hilchos Ishus 10:12) writes: “Chazal established, that anyone who marries a maiden should rejoice with her for seven days. He shouldn’t be busy with work, or in the market place, he should eat, drink and rejoice.” The above Rambam is ruled by the Shulchan Aruch (Even HaEzer 64:1), who writes: “One who marries a maiden is required to rejoice with her for seven days. He shouldn’t go to work, and he shouldn’t be busy in the market place, rather, he should eat, drink and rejoice with his new wife”. The Rema adds: A chosan is forbidden to work, and is forbidden to go out alone in the market pace”. The question is, what is the Rema adding, he seems to just be repeating the Mechaber?
The Chelkas Mechokek and Beis Shmuel both explain, that the Rema is coming to be mechadesh [teach us], that even though the Mechaber says that a chosan shouldn’t work, it’s a special enactment made for the benefit of the kallah and if she wants she can be mochel [forgo]. On that the Rema adds, even if the kallah is mochel on her rejoicing, that only helps in regards to the chosan having to eat and drink with her, however, in regards to work and to going out alone to the market place, even if she is mochel it doesn’t help. The din is chosan domeh l’melech, that a chosan is similar to a king, therefore, even if the kallah lets him go to work he isn’t allowed to.
May A Chosan Work to Save Himself a Loss, and Does Mechila Help?
Due to the aforementioned chiddush, that the reason a chosan isn’t allowed to work is because of chosan domeh l’melech and that even if the kallah is mochel he still can’t work, the Shu”t Dovev Meishorim (3:47) writes, the prohibition to work is only in public. The Rambam writes (Hilchos Sanhedrin 25:4): “Once a person is appointed as a parnes over the tzibbur it is forbidden for him to work in front of three people, in order that he doesn’t degrade himself”. The Shulchan Aruch (Choshen Mishpot 8:4) rules accordingly. Just like a parnes shouldn’t work in public, certainly a chosan who is supposed to be treated like a king shouldn’t work in public. However, if the kallah is mochel and the chosan works in private (especially in a case of a financial loss) then he would be allowed to work. In regards to the chiyuv of simcha, his wife is mochel and in regards to chosan domeh l’melech, that’s only in public, not in private.
However, the Chazon Ish (Even HaEzer 64:7) rules more leniently and allows the chosan to even work in public. The Chazon Ish understands that the prohibition for a chosan to work is no more severe than the prohibition against working on Chol HaMoed, therefore, just like on Chol HaMoed when there is a situation of dovar ha’oveid [a financial loss] one may work, similarly, a chosan may work. The Chazon Ish cites a Tosfos in Kesubos (4a d.h. avel) where it’s clear, that the prohibition for a chosan to work is even more lenient than the prohibition to work on Chol HaMoed.
According to the Dovev Meishorim, even though in Hilchos Melochim we don’t find any prohibition for a king to work, it can’t be that a king should be worse off than a parnes, where both the Rambam and Shulchan Aruch rule that he may not work in public. Accordingly, even for a dovar ha’oveid there would be no heter to work in public. According to the Chazon Ish, however, who maintains that we treat the week of sheva berachos like Chol HaMoed, just like on Chol HaMoed where the halachah is that in a case of dovar ha’oveid one may work in public, so may a chosan.
The Shu”t Beis Dovid (Yoreh Deah 177 – cited in Otzar HaPoskim, Even HaEzer 64) was asked whether a chosan may work in a case of dovar ha’oveid and he proves from the Beis Yosef (Even HaEzer 64) that a chosan isn’t allowed to work because he is comparable to a king. The question is, why does he need to come on to fact that chosan is like a king, surely the fact that it’s a regel [like a Yom Tov] is enough of a reason to exempt him from work? What we have to say is, if the issur to work would be because it is like a regel, then in a case of dovar ha’oveid he would be allowed to work, like on Chol HaMoed, therefore, he needed to come on to the fact that a chosan is like a king, and consequently, even dovar ha’oveid is forbidden (this is also how the Ben Ish Chai, Shoftim, Year 1, 16 rules).
The Beis Dovid seems to learn that a chosan has the stringencies of both Chol HaMoed and of a king, therefore, he is forbidden to do anything a king can’t do, as well as anything that if forbidden on Chol HaMoed. However, the Shu”t Minchas Elozor (2:57) argues and maintains, that in regards to dovar ha’oveid there is room for leniency. This is also how the Minchas Pitim (Even HaEzer 64) takes on.
The Imrei Emes (cited in He’oras L’Pardes Yosef, Bereishis) brings a nice rayah that a chosan can’t be mochel on his wife’s chiyuv simcha. The Mishnah in Yoma (73b) teaches, on Yom Kippur a kallah may wash her face, so that she is beloved to her husband. The question is, why can’t the husband simply be mochel? We see from here, that a chosan can’t be mochel.
The Brisker Rav’s Approach
There is a third approach found in the poskim to explain why a chosan is forbidden to work. Which is that it is a Yom Tov and a time of rejoicing for him as well as for the kallah. With this idea, the Brisker Rov answers up a contradiction in the Rambam (see Teshuvos V’Hanagos 1:754). According to this approach, mechila from the kallah certainly won’t help, as the prohibition to work is for his benefit, not only hers.
May a Chosan Write During His Week of Sheva Berachos?
According to the Dovev Meishorim, a chosan may certainly write during his sheva berachos week. Just like a parnes may certainly write, similarly a chosan may write. According to the Chazon Ish, however, that the week of sheva berachos is like Chol HaMoed, perhaps there is room to be stringent. In fact, it is mentioned in the name of the Chazon Ish that he ruled that a chosan shouldn’t write during his week of sheva berachos (see Moadim U’Zemanim 7:154).
HaRav Yisroel Veltz (וועלץ), Av Beis Din of Budapest, cites an interesting proof that one may be lenient with writing on Chol HaMoed. R’ Akiva Eiger in one of his most famous Teshuvos, in which he discusses whether one may fulfill the mitzvah of sefiras ha’omer with writing writes: אם כי איני כדאי ששלח לי ובפרט להשיב בימים אלו אשר עוד יום יום באים פנים חדשות חכמי ונכבדי העיר וקשה להשמיט מעט ליקח מועד עכ"ז לבל השיב ריקם ויהי מה – “Although I am unworthy to receive such a letter, especially during these days where lots of new faces of important talmiday chochomim are coming to town, and it’s difficult for me not to take a break, I can’t not reply with something.” (N.B. this Teshuva was written by R’ Akiva Eiger to his uncle during his sheva berachos, when he was just 16). We see that R’ Akiva Eiger was writing during his week of sheva berachos.
However, the above is not such a good proof, as one is allowed to write chiddushei Torah on Chol HaMoed, as is clear from the Shulchan Aruch (545:9). See Mishnah Berurah (s.k. 47) who cites that the Bach wrote his commentary to Choshen Mishpot on Chol HaMoed (see also Shu”t Tzitz Eliezer 12:73 about what he writes in regards to the above rayah).
Practically, certainly if the reason a chosan is prohibited from working is because he is like a king he may write, however, even if it is because it is like Chol HaMoed for him, on Chol HaMoed one may write chiddushei Torah, and igeres shlomim [greetings]. See also Shu”t Shevet HaLevi (8:282) who rules that one may be lenient with chiddushei Torah, and igeres shlomim. He adds, even according to those who hold a chosan shouldn’t work because it’s a time of simcha for him, there is certainly room to be lenient to write a few small things here and there, however, to spend all day writing that he should refrain from.
Learning Beiyun [In Depth] During Sheva Berachos week
The Shiyurei Berachah (64) and Shu”t Chaim Sho’al (2:38, ois 60) write that if the chosan is a talmid chocham and is used to learning in great depth, during the week of sheva berachos he should refrain from doing so in order not to take away simcha from the kallah.
The Shevet HaLevi cites the above and comments, that it’s true that if the chosan is heavily involved in his learning he won’t be able to give proper attention to the kallah, however, we see with our own eyes that many kallah’s who marry talmiday chachomim are more than happy for their husbands to learn, especially if they learn at home and bring the pleasant sound of Torah to their home, and there is still time during other parts of the day to rejoice together. On the contrary, פקודי ה' ישרים משמחי לב, the words of Torah bring love and simcha to the marriage. Obviously, however, הכל בדעת והכל בתבונה – “it has to be done with the correct perspective”.
[See Teshuvos V’Hanagos 1:754, where he brings that R’ Mordechai Progmantsky during his week of sheva berachos asked forgiveness from his wife, and sat and learn for many hours. He held, that if the wife is mochel, then he is absolved from his obligation. And in regard to his own obligation of simcha, פקודי ה' ישרים משמחי לב, and for him there is no greater simcha than learning Torah.]
What Type of Work Is Forbidden
The Shu”t Sheilas Yaavatz (2:185) writes, that since the dinim of a chosan are similar to the dinim of Chol HaMoed and certainly are not as stringent as the dinim of Yom Tov, a chosan is allowed to perform activities even if they are not related to ochel nefesh [food preparation]. However, he shouldn’t perform strenuous activities. Based on the above, R’ Elyashiv (cited in Beis Chasanim 14:12) ruled that during the week of sheva berachos a chosan may deposit money he received from wedding presents in the bank. Similarly, he may buy furniture and other various item that he needs for his new home.
ויהי נועם
The Mishnah Berurah (295:3) writes, that when Purim and erev Pesach fall in the middle of the week, since they are not proper Yomim Tovim, we omit ויהי נועם on the motzei Shabbos beforehand. Similarly, on motzei Shabbos before Rosh Chodesh, even though there is a minhag that women refrain from carrying out certain activities, since it’s not a proper Yom Tov, ויהי נועם is recited. We see, that unless there is a clear cut issur to work in the week to come, ויהי נועם is recited and we mention ומעשה ידינו כוננה עלינו ומעשה ידינו כוננהו. Therefore, the same thing should apply to a chosan, and even though there is an issur for him to work, since it is not the same issur as on Yom Tov, he should recite ויהי נועם like normal.
The L’Horas Nossan (13:119) has a Teshuvah in which he discusses the above and he writes that a chosan should recite ויהי נועם as a chosan also needs the berachah of ומעשה ידינו כוננה עלינו ומעשה ידינו כוננהו. The Pischei Teshuva (Even HaEzer 64:1) writes, that if a chosan owns a shop together with a partner, the partner may keep the shop open during the week of sheva berachos, unlike an avel, where the halachah is that the shop must be closed. Since others may work for him, and bring in money etc. he is subject to the berachah of ומעשה ידינו כוננה עלינו ומעשה ידינו כוננהו and therefore should say ויהי נועם.
He concludes his Teshuvah with some divrei aggadah, based on something the Tur writes. The Tur (295) writes, the custom is to recite ויהי נועם on motzei Shabbos as it is a mizmor which contains the berachah which Moshe Rabbeinu gave to Klal Yisroel at the time they finished the completion of the Mishkan, like Rashi writes in Parshas Pikudei (39:43) Moshe gave them a berachah, “May it be Hashem’s will that He rest his Shechinah on your handiwork”. Since a chosan and kallah during the week of sheva berachos are setting up a new home, one in which we hope will be a place for the Shechinah to rest, as it says in Sotah (17a) “If man and woman are zoche the Shechinah rests in their midst” and during the hakomas hamishkon [setting up of the Mishkon] Moshe blessed Klal Yisroel, ויהי נועם ומעשה ידינו כוננה עלינו שתשרה שכינה במעדה ידיכם, it is certainly fitting that the chosan should mention this berachah, so that he merit that his house be like a mini Mishkon and a place fit for the Shechinah to rest.
At the end of Halichos Shlomah (Tefillah) there is a letter from R’ Avrohom Dov Auerbach in which he writes: שאינו מאמין שאביו אמר שחתן לא יאמר ויהי נועם במוצאי שבת שלפני החתונה – “I don’t believe that my father ever said that a chosan should omit ויהי נועם on the motzei Shabbos before his chasuna”
(Based on a Teshuvah written by R’ Yom Tov Sanger, in his Madanay Yom Tov)
