Can one sacrifice Torah for family peace? True harmony flows from observance, not from its compromise; the proper way to achieve this
By the Grace of G-d
19th of Cheshvan, 5735
Brooklyn, NY
Greeting and Blessing:
Your letter reached me with some delay. In it you write about your problem in regard to the relationship with your wife, after being married for 14 years and having been blessed with children. You also indicate that the problem is connected with the observance of the Jewish way of life.
In the latter aspect lies also the answer to your questions. It is the Jewish way of life, in accordance with the Torah, that having been married for a number of years, and having been blessed with children who are to be brought up to a life of Torah, Chuppah and Good Deeds, it is imperative to do everything possible to preserve the peace and harmony of the family to the fullest measure.
At the same time, it is also clear that inasmuch as the Torah is the Jew’s very life, there can be no sacrificing of it even in the hope of preserving the family, for, on the contrary, a peaceful and harmonious Jewish family life is possible only if it is based on the observance of the Torah and Mitzvoth, as is also written in reference to the Torah that “Its ways are ways of pleasantness, and all its paths are peace.”
Needless to say, while it is necessary to insist upon the Jewish way of life, this should be explained to the wife in a pleasant way, taking into account her feelings, and not give the impression that there is any desire to “boss” her around and to show who is the master of the house; but that this is really for the benefit of both the parents and the children and, what is no less important, also for the benefit of the whole Jewish people, since the family unit is the very basis of our Jewish people as a whole.
It is a matter of common experience, due to human nature, that when two persons are personally involved in a disagreement, it is hard for them to discuss their differences dispassionately, and one or the other or both, might get involved in a heated debate, when things are said which would otherwise not have been said. Therefore, it is customary in such a situation that the matter is brought before an orthodox Rabbi, who has both the experience, as well as is bound to treat such matters in confidence. Thus, the matter can be discussed fully in the presence of the Rabbi, and straightened out in accordance with his guidance.
I would like to add one important point, that a Jew who accepts the Jewish way of life in his daily life, even though it was not spontaneous, but came about through the influence or even persuasion by another – sooner or later this Jew will come to realize the truth, namely that it was for his real benefit, and whatever his original reaction might have been, whether he was reluctant or resentful, in the end he will certainly be most grateful for that kind of influence which has set him on the path of truth and real happiness.
You do not mention anything about the Jewish education of your children, but I trust that in light of the above, and in accordance with the traditional blessing, you are bringing them up to a life of Torah, Chuppah and Good Deeds.
Hoping to hear good news from you in all the above,
With blessing,
P.S. You mention in your letter that you would like to speak to me personally. But this is not at all necessary inasmuch as my reply to you would be the same as outlined above. Moreover, it would not even be very practical to see me, necessarily briefly, for this is a case where both parties have to have an opportunity to unburden themselves fully in the presence of a third objective person, preferably an orthodox Rabbi as indicated above, which may require more than one session.
I would suggest that you should have your Tefillin as well as the Mezuzoth of your home, checked to make sure they are Kosher, and to be meticulous in observing the Mitzvo of putting on the Tefillin every weekday morning.
