We know that of the two sisters, it was Rachel Imeinu whom Yaakov Avinu loved more. And yet, in this week’s parshah we find Yaakov actually becoming angry at Rachel, which we do not find in relation to Leah. When Rachel begged Yaakov to “give me children,” the passuk tells us that, “Yaakov became angry with Rachel, and he said, ‘Am I instead of Hashem...?’”
In the sefer Chaim v’Shalom, a curious incident involving the great tzaddik Reb Hershele Zidichoiver is related. A certain man came to him asking for a brachah for children; the rebbe replied, “You have to argue with your wife and get into conflict with her if you want to be blessed with a child.”
The man was taken aback, especially as his wife was a tzaddekes and they were not at all accustomed to quarreling. But he did as the Rebbe advised him, raising his voice at his wife without telling her why. He indeed succeeded in provoking an angry response from her... and they were blessed with children.
Sefer Chaim v’Shalom explains that sometimes, too much love and closeness between spouses prevents added blessing from reaching them. This was true of the constant and intense love Yaakov Avinu had for Rachel Imeinu. Looking at the example of the unjustly accused Sotah we find a similar concept; after being distanced from her husband and then reunited, the couple is blessed with exceptional children.
While this may sound counterintuitive and not even admirable, perhaps it contains a lesson that we can apply and gain from. Of course, spouses should not actively seek to distance themselves from each other, but sometimes closeness that is taken too far, to the point where one or both spouses lose their individuality, or feel suffocated and smothered, is not the ideal. The Gemara tells us that the fact that a woman’s cycles naturally incorporate distance and reunion, is intentional, in order to preserve freshness in the relationship. Perhaps the same can be said about allowing individuality and independence when appropriate, within married life.
In general, almost everyone simply needs some private space in their lives, and no matter how close and loving a relationship, it still benefits from the occasional distance. It certainly does not need to result from quarreling, but there’s something about giving space that we can all benefit from.
