When a spouse is only religious for their partner; understanding the difference between religious conviction and personal preference in determining who should compromise for marital harmony
By the Grace of G-d
12th of Sivan, 5720
Brooklyn, N. Y.
Blessing and Greeting:
I received your letter of May 31st, in which you write about the relationship between you and your husband, and that the difficulty in your marriage was religion, namely, that your husband is Orthodox and that you became Orthodox for his sake; however, you do not understand religion as he does.
I need hardly enlarge upon the importance of harmony in married life and about the preservation of the home, which is called “an everlasting edifice” in the prayers of the marriage ceremony. This is not just a beautiful phrase, for the concept of a Jewish marriage is that the two young people build a permanent home on the everlasting foundations of the Torah and Mitzvoth, in a way that their children would likewise maintain and perpetuate our sacred traditions and the sanctity of the Jewish home. And as in the case of any physical structure, the most vital part of it is the foundation, no effort or expense is spared to ensure the durability of the foundation upon which the whole structure rests, so much so that every precaution is taken to safeguard the foundation even against the far-fetched, or even unexpected hazards – how much more effort and care should be taken in ensuring the strength and durability of the foundations of the home, upon which the very happiness of the parents and children, to the end of posterity, depends.
As for religious observance, it is clear that even when one does not know the significance of any particular observance, yet observes it on the basis of faith or authority, the most one can lose is some inconvenience. Whereas the person who has strong convictions on the subject, if he were to make concessions, it would entail tremendous inner conflict. By way of illustration, which I am sure is not a matter of contention in your case. Suppose an Orthodox person has a friend who is not particular about the dietary laws. If both go into a Kosher restaurant and have a Kosher meal, neither would be the worse for it, which would not be the case if the non-Orthodox person would insist on their going into a non-Kosher restaurant. While I am sure that such an extreme case is not applicable to you and your husband, the purpose of the illustration is to bring out the point that it would be easier for you to make concessions than for your husband, and the most that it can entail for you is some relatively minor inconvenience, which is surely warranted in order to preserve the permanence and happiness of the home.
I would like to add also another basic consideration. The history of the Jewish people as a nation goes back more than 3500 years. It is a history based on the Jewish adherence to the Torah and Mitzvoth, the Jewish way of life. During this long course of history there arose from time to time certain dissenting groups which tried to break away from the Jewish tradition, but in the space of a very short time, at most several generations, such dissenting groups completely disappeared from Jewish life. One who can reflect on this without prejudice, must come to the inevitable conclusion that the Orthodox way of life is the only true and permanent Jewish way of life. Therefore, even if both of you were remote from such a way of life, every effort should have been made to change to the true Jewish way of life, in order to ensure true and lasting happiness, materially and spiritually; certainly when you have been fortunate in marrying an Orthodox husband.
If you will let me know your Hebrew name and also your husband’s Hebrew name, together with your mothers’ Hebrew names, I will remember you in prayer that the Almighty help you re-establish peace and harmony in your home, on the foundations of our sacred Torah, which is called Torath Chaim, the Law of Life, being both the guide in life as well as the source of a true and happy life.
With blessing,
