At a pivotal moment in history, just before Moshe Rabbeinu passes away, he sums up the situation in which Klal Yisrael finds itself and concludes with Hashem’s words: “... this nation will rise up and stray after the deities of the nations of the land ... And they will forsake Me and violate My covenant which I made with them. And My fury will rage against them on that day, and I will abandon them and hide My face from them, and they will be consumed, and many evils and troubles will befall them...”
Is there no way to avoid this fate? The passuk tells us that the Yidden will admit their failings and openly acknowledge that all these awful punishments are deserved: “They will say on that day, ‘Is it not because our God is no longer in my midst, that these evils have befallen me?’” Nonetheless, while recognizing where we’ve gone wrong is obviously a prerequisite for teshuvah, the Chasam Sofer explains that, “The main aspect of teshuvah is leaving our sins behind and uprooting the evil from our hearts.” Confessing the wrong is the first step, but only leaving the negative behind and engaging in positive action for change will save us from Hashem’s wrath.
When it comes to our interpersonal relationships, this lesson is just as relevant. Often, we recount our weaknesses and failings as if they somehow excuse us for all the damage we wreak. Telling one’s spouse, “I’m so sorry — I know I have an anger problem,” may be praiseworthy in that the person is at least being honest, but it doesn’t do very much to repair the harm caused by all the angry outbursts, nor does it guarantee any improvement in the future. In fact, such statements often make reoffending more likely.
More so, listening to an apology from someone who appears to be simultaneously justifying what they did wrong can be painful. That said, even such an apology should be accepted. Saying sorry isn’t easy, even if it’s accompanied by excuses. But that doesn’t mean that the person being repeatedly hurt must suffer in silence. What’s needed in such situations is honest communication on both sides, along with a willingness to accept that genuine change is essential if the relationship is to survive.
