Question: I am not sure I married the right husband. On the one hand, he supports our family and is good with the kids. But I wanted someone I can have stimulating conversations with, that is motivated to excel in life, that continues learning and growing. He is content with his life but I am just plane bored!
Answer: It's completely understandable to feel this way. Many people, after years of marriage, find themselves questioning if they married the right person. It's normal to feel something is missing, especially when you compare your reality to what you imagined.
However, staying "on the fence" about your marriage won't make you or your husband happier. As long as you are in the marriage, the most productive path is to see what you can do to make it better. This isn't about ignoring your feelings, but about focusing your energy on positive action. The key to finding a way forward is to shift your perspective.
This involves two major steps:
Focus on the Good
You've already mentioned some of his strengths—he supports the family and is good with the kids. It’s important to intentionally focus on these and other good qualities. People tend to become what we see in them. When we actively appreciate our partner's strengths, it creates a more positive and reciprocal environment. This isn't about ignoring his shortcomings, but about building a foundation of appreciation.
Embrace Acceptance
It’s very common to want our spouses to change, but trying to force change often leads to frustration and conflict. Stepping beyond your expectations and accepting your husband for who he is—his quirks, his motivations, his contentments—can lead to a deeper sense of closeness. Your vision of a "perfect spouse" may be holding you back from truly enjoying the good person you have right now.
Once you've built a foundation of appreciation and acceptance, you can gently broach the subject of what you'd like to see different. When your husband feels valued and secure, he'll be more open to change. Rather than coming from a place of frustration, you will feel more care and closeness. The conversation will be less charged and more productive, giving you a chance to express your needs, feel heard, and find a path forward together.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage & individual counseling: www.aharonschmidt.com.
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