Dear Rabbi Gruen,
Thank you so much! I have enjoyed so many of your classes which have been really helpful for me. May Hashem repay you, or better still, Hashem will repay you iy”H.
My question is about how women enjoy making fancy food for Yom Tov etc. and like to make nice meals that look great and taste delicious. But sometimes, I ask for more simple food that I prefer, but I don’t get the simple salad (for example) that I would like. I wish my wife could just make plain food without going to such trouble. Also, sometimes I tell her that on Shabbos she could use plastic dishes (and there are nice plastic dishes that she could use) because she’s often exhausted — but she just refuses and insists on using real dishes.
I would appreciate your advice. Thank you again and hatzlachah rabbah!
QUESTION
In the question here, the wife may think that she is going the extra mile for her husband and family, and that blinds her to the fact that her husband would actually prefer simpler food. Other husbands in similar situations might add that they don’t need fancy meals — what they want most is a wife who’s relaxed and smiling when they come home, and a comfortable atmosphere for everyone.
The well-known children’s story of the king who came to visit a certain town illustrates this well. The elaborate carriage draws up in the town square where everyone is waiting to greet him, the servant opens the door, and the king steps out — and falls into the mud.
Everyone is stunned, but then the baker rushes up to the king, his tray of fancy pastries in his hands, and cries, “Your majesty, here are the pastries I baked for you!”
Following his example, the town’s tailor approaches with a fine cloak of velvet to present to the king. “Your majesty, I spent months sewing this elegant cloak for you to wear!”
Meanwhile, the king is still lying on the ground, in the mud, and the baker and tailor stand to one side, confused. Then, two young boys come forward. “Your majesty, can we help you to your feet?” They support him from either side and the king gets up and brushes the dirt from his clothing. Here it was two young boys who taught the town’s people a lesson in caring for others by understanding their needs.
When a husband comes home after a long day of work, what he most needs is a smile and a warm greeting, and probably also a hot meal on the table. If his wife is grumpy and exhausted from hours of slaving in the kitchen (and especially if the meal is late because she spent so long on getting it “perfect”) then the fanciest dishes in the world won’t compensate. There are also husbands for whom a regular schedule is very important and waiting around for supper to be ready makes them nervous.
Whenever a wife finds herself about to do something for her husband, the first thing she should do is ask herself: “What does my husband really want?” Being able to set aside her own need for praise for her cooking is something she should work on.
With all that said, let’s now turn to the husband in this situation. As much as his wife should be asking herself what her husband wants, he should be asking himself, “What does my wife really want?”
If she seems to need compliments on her cooking so much that she always goes the extra ten miles, even when she’s exhausted, he should be wondering why. I have no way of knowing the details of your situation, but I’ll ask some questions that can be helpful for many readers to think about. Could it be that if she doesn’t go the extra mile, she won’t get a compliment at all? Does she feel appreciated for the regular things she does? Appreciating one’s spouse for the day-to-day things they do for us is fundamental to shalom bayis. No one should have to work extra-hard to feel appreciated.
At the other end of the spectrum, there are husbands who belittle all the chores their wives spend so much time on and try to “educate” them to be more idealistic and not to “invest in shtusim.” This is a big mistake. Women spend much of their time involved in very basic, physical tasks for their families, and men who don’t appreciate how much their wives contribute to the family with all these “mundane” things have a lot to learn.
The Baba Sali once heard that Rav Ezriel Tauber ztz”l was very involved in helping couples with their shalom bayis, and he invited him to his home. Rav Tauber accepted the invitation, wondering what he had done to merit it.
The two of them sat down for a meal, and the rebbetzin brought in the dishes. After tasting each dish, the Baba Sali called his wife and complimented her on her cooking and even asked her how she had prepared the food and what ingredients she had used.
After the meal, as Rav Tauber got up to leave, he turned to the Babi Sali and thanked him, adding, “I understand now.”
A similar story is told of Rav Chaim Shmulevitz ztz”l, the Mirrer rosh yeshivah. A childhood friend of his was once a guest in his home, and during the meal, he expressed his surprise at how R’ Chaim kept asking his wife to bring in more food.
“Chaim, what happened to you?” he asked. “Since when did you care so much about what you eat?”
R’ Chaim smiled. “You have to understand that my wife’s cooking is like my preparation for a shiur,” he said. “I invest a lot of time preparing the shiur, and afterward, it’s the greatest pleasure when people ask questions, ask me to repeat certain things, and so forth. The same applies to my wife — it’s such a pleasure for her to see that her efforts were appreciated and enjoyed.”
Even if you genuinely prefer simpler food, if your wife has invested thought, time, and effort in preparing a meal, it’s terrible to belittle that effort. You should overcome your own feelings and for her sake, make a big deal out of all the trouble she has gone to — for you. While it’s her job to assess whether her motives are one-hundred-percent pure, it’s your job to judge her favorably and assume that she went to all that trouble to please you — and then to show appreciation.
What if, however, the supper is always late (because the wife spent hours on fancy dishes) or the husband is on a diet and doesn’t want to be challenged with (relatively) unhealthy food? The husband can certainly speak up, but he should be careful to avoid two very common mistakes. (I’ve seen these situations many times so here are some ideas I share with those who’ve been there.)
The first mistake people make is telling someone, “I don’t appreciate the effort you made, because it’s not what I wanted.” This is extremely hurtful. In addition, when a person hears something like that, it becomes even less likely that they’ll adapt for you.
The second mistake people make is not being clear enough about what the problem is and what you would like to change. Sometimes, husbands hint at the problem: “Your mother’s salad last Shabbos was amazing...” or “How about making a nice vegetable soup?” and they expect their wives to figure out all the missing details. Then, when their wives (understandably) don’t figure it out, they get resentful, expecting them to have read their minds and made the changes they thought they asked for.
As in so many areas, the middle way is the right way to go. Husbands should always notice, appreciate, and compliment, before anything else. “Thank you so much — I know how much effort went into that, and it tastes amazing!” Then, and only then, can you add, a few hours later, or the next day, “I love a simple salad, too.” (Avoid the word “but” as much as possible, because adding “but” will detract from the sincere impression your kind words should create. It could even make the compliment seem like just a manipulation to get your salad.)
This approach will often be successful and leave everyone with good feelings.
That said, there are times when a husband, or wife, has to pick their battles and recognize when it’s simply not worth trying to get a certain need met. If you know your wife has a tremendous amount of sipuk from creating beautiful meals, and it’s a healthy sipuk for the family (meaning that she isn’t exhausted and still has energy and patience and smiles for everyone, often because she feels good about herself), but you don’t personally appreciate the fancy food, it might just be worth it for you to swallow your feelings and leave things as they are.
When weighing your wife’s sipuk and pleasure at your compliments against your preference for a different style of cooking, you have to be really honest about what’s the best approach to choose. Certainly if your concern is that your wife is investing “too much” in what you consider to be less-than-idealistic things such as food, you need to reassess your approach. It’s not your job to work on your wife’s middos. It is your job to make her happy.
To summarize: In order to build a strong shalom bayis, each spouse needs to consider the other’s genuine needs and do their best to fill them. Everyone needs appreciation, and no one should feel that they have to over-exert themselves to get it.
It’s also important to remember that making another person happy usually doesn’t involve anything super-special. A smile and a warm welcome for a spouse, and for children, is usually (and should be) appreciated a lot more than a three-course meal. But if your wife truly loves cooking gourmet-style meals for you, and no one is suffering as a result, appreciate it as much as you would appreciate a Torah shiur, and thank her and make her feel good.
May Hashem help us all to know what’s truly important, how to understand others and make them feel good about themselves, and how to build close and loving relationships.
