Before I address the questioner, let me use the opportunity to generally discuss the topic as this is a situation that I think a lot of husbands can relate to. It’s very common for women to enjoy taking the trouble to cook fancy dishes that look as well as taste good, because it makes them feel good about themselves. There are also more than a few women who tend to over-exert themselves and won’t feel happy until they have pushed themselves to their limit, or as we sometimes say, make themselves into martyrs for the sake of their families.
Comments such as, “Do you know how many hours I stood on my feet to cook this...?” or “If you only knew how hard I worked...” clue us into the fact that it’s not necessarily all about making the recipient happy, however. Women who insist on making themselves into martyrs are often in desperate need for attention and appreciation. The truth is that people should be able to feel happy about themselves without demanding compliments from others or constantly “proving” themselves. The regular things we do for others should be enough to make us feel okay, and this is something many people, both men and women, need to work on.
Whenever a person gets caught up in needing to feel exceptional, it causes problems. Sometimes, people aren’t willing to exert themselves for something that won’t be noticed or appreciated and instead choose to do nothing at all. For instance, someone who is asked to give a speech at a sheva brachos and doesn’t have enough time to prepare something that will impress everyone, might turn down the offer entirely.
Alternatively, the person does invest the extra effort, but then they’re so exhausted that they can’t even give a smile to their children when they come home from school, or they may even get annoyed and angry at every little thing. I remember hearing a mashgiach in yeshivah being asked by a bachur about taking on a certain chumra, and the mashgiach pointed out that if it was going to end up being at the expense of others, it would not only not be worth it, but would actually be worse than not taking on the chumra at all. In many areas of life, one of the main things to consider before deciding how to go about something is the impact it will likely have on others. This may not necessarily be the only factor to consider, but it should certainly not be overlooked or disregarded. The answer to this question can often help you determine how important or correct something is.
Whether it’s the exhausted wife that the family has to contend with after the extensive cooking, or even the underappreciated mommy, it’s a shame that such dedication should lead to resentment and hurt feelings on both ends.
Very often, people who become accustomed to over-exerting themselves don’t even realize that they’re not even doing it for others; they’re doing it for themselves.
