Question:
My eldest child is nine. Sometimes he will say the blessings before eating and the blessing after a meal, and sometimes he won’t. When he does say the blessings, he doesn’t always say them correctly. Should I correct him or just compliment him and be happy that he’s saying the blessing? And when he doesn’t say the blessing at all, should I tell him to say it? The truth is that when I remind him, it doesn’t seem to make him say the blessings more often. It feels like he just says them when he wants to, and I get very aggravated.
Answer:
At this age, children are in a process of development. The more positive and pressure-free the experience feels, the more likely the child will naturally grow into it. Since you’ve noticed that reminders do not increase his consistency, it can be helpful to shift the focus entirely toward the moments when he does say the blessing. When he remembers on his own, offer a warm compliment. Even if he doesn’t say the blessing perfectly, avoid correcting him in the moment. Simply be happy with his effort. Later on—at a calm, easy moment—you can gently review the correct wording with him in a relaxed way. Much of his learning will also come from watching and hearing you and others say blessings. Over time, he will absorb the correct practice, in large part, simply by being around it.
When he does not say the blessing, given your description that pointing it out hasn’t helped, it may be best to act as though you don’t notice. This reduces pressure and prevents the blessing from becoming an emotional battleground, which can spill into other areas also. A parent often becomes irritated when a child doesn’t do what the parent wants, and a subtle power struggle begins. The child may even feel that the parent cares more about the mitzvah than about him or her. But a parent’s role is not to enforce “what I want”—it is to guide the child toward what the Torah wants. When both parent and child relate to something higher than themselves, the tension softens. It is no longer “me versus you,” but a parent lovingly guiding their child along the path of Torah.
With less pressure and more warmth, your guidance—and example—will have far greater impact.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage & individual counseling: www.aharonschmidt.com. To join email list and receive periodic tips, reach out to [email protected].
