ONLY ONE THING
A widowed Mama was talking about her recent break-up with the businessman she was seeing, telling all to her married daughter, Sheila.
“So, Mama,” said Sheila, “Why did you stop seeing that nice senior businessman? You told me how much alike you are. You both love art and hate opera; you both love cats and hate dogs; you both love tea and hate coffee–
“And,” added Mama, “we both love our Social Security checks and hate each other.”
FUTURE WORRIES
A scientist was giving a lecture at a Jewish senior center, explaining that in four billion years the sun will exhaust itself of fuel, burn out and all life as we know it in the solar system will end.
Upset, Hymie Handelman yelled out, "Oy! Is there anything we can do? Form a congressional committee or donate money for research?!"
The scientist replied: "Sir, why are you so upset? This won't happen for four billion years."
"Oyyy, denks God," said Hymie, relieved. "I thought you said four and a half million years."
WHERE’S THERE’S A WILL ... THERE’S A WIFE
Isaac, through hard work, became wealthy. As he lay dying, he talked to his wife, Sophie.
“Sophie ... here are my last wishes.”
“Whatever you want, I’ll do.”
“First, the business I leave to Morty, our eldest.”
“Morty!” Sophie protested. “Morty’s always with the girls. Better to leave it to Jeffrey.”
“OK, Jeffrey,” he sighed. “Now, the bonds I leave to Thelma.”
“Better me,” argued Sophie. “In two days, she’ll spend at Bloomingdale’s.”
“Alright. The summer house I leave to our Ava.”
“She’s not spoiled enough? Leave it to Morty.”
Finally, summoning his last ounce of strength, Isaac sighed, “Sophie ... who’s dying here – me or you?”
SO IF NOT NOW, WHEN?
Rivka Baumgarten tottered into a lawyer's office.
“I vant a divorce.”
“A divorce?” asked the shocked lawyer.
“You hoid me, sonny! A divorce.”
“Mrs. Baumgarten ... how old are you?”
“Ninety – just.”
“And your husband?”
“Irving? Ninety-two – next month.”
“Well ... how long have you been married?” he asked in disbelief.
“Tomorrow, 70 years."
“Seventy years?! Why a divorce now?”
“Sonny,” said Rivka ... “enough is enough!”
