Our Deepest Desire Is to Become Close to the Ribbono Shel Olam
Infusing Heavenly Mercy Into the Darkness
It is important to acknowledge and validate this great pain so we will understand what is transpiring in our hearts, to put words to the emotions we’re experiencing when contending with such a nisayon.
Now, let us bring the Ribbono Shel Olam into the picture. Let us open the scene for the Ribbono Shel Olam to be able to enter. Is there perhaps another angle from which to view this picture? Is there life after death? Is there anything that can alter our most negative perception of our reality?
The answer is a resounding yes. The Ribbono Shel Olam is a ומטיב טוב. We say every day in Ashrei that Hashem is merciful and compassionate.... that He is good to all, and His mercy is upon all His creations. The Ribbono Shel Olam is surely good, and everything He does is for the good—despite the terrible difficulty. In the beginning of Ashrei, we say אברכך יום בכל, we will bless Hashem every day—even on the days we experience great challenges, we give thanks to Hashem with joy and song.
A Subconscious Desire
We began with the first source of pain which is the failure of our desire. Our inner desire to merit good and ehrlich children—a desire far greater than money or success—has failed. In fact, the opposite has happened.
However, there’s an important yesod in Torah, and the secular world is aware of it as well: the desire of a person isn’t only what he is readily aware of, and not only what he speaks about and is preoccupied with.
This is only the superficial desire that he’s conscious and cognizant of. But in addition to this, there’s a deep ratzon in our subconscious that doesn’t always appear at the forefront, and we’re not always necessarily aware of it—but it’s very much present in the depths of our neshamah, and it drives everything we do.
We can see this in small children. Even before they can speak, they already possess an inner desire to live and to be important. It is rooted in their subconscious, and it is a part of their personality. No one taught it to them, and they don’t talk about it. But they have this innate desire. It comes from a good place, because the neshamah has the need to feel important. It’s not good for the neshamah to feel small and trampled.
Our Innate Desire for Closeness to Hashem
The innermost desire that lies within our neshamah, and is deeper and more prominent than any desire we can express is the desire to be close to the Ribbono Shel Olam.
It doesn’t matter how we actually think about it on a regular basis. The truth remains that we each have a neshamah, and the neshamah wants with every fiber of its being to be close to the Ribbono Shel Olam. We may not be conscious of it, but everything we do is animated by this desire for closeness to Hashem.
We can see this in struggling children. Even after we’ve already given up on them, R”l, and we think they are distant... they will surprise us and indicate that they still want a connection to something higher. He may be stuck in his situation, and he can’t really extricate himself from there yet, but they will surprise us with how much they do want. Sometimes, this brings chizuk to the parents, and sometimes it brings disappointment when the child returns immediately to his ways. We thought that something will change... we heard such pure and innocent sentiments from them... and then it’s back to the old.
But this nevertheless underscores the point that every Yid wants at his core to be close to Hashem. This is our innermost desire that percolates within us like a fire. But since this is a lofty madreigah, we’re not always preoccupied with it in a practical way, and this causes us to forget this reality. But if we give our neshamos a taste of this inner desire, it will bring us great pleasure and delight—because this is what the neshamah really wants.
The Nisayon Brings us to the Pinnacle of our Purpose
Now, when we think about it, why indeed is it that a person wishes to have ehrliche children? It comes from a good place... a place of desire for closeness to Hashem. He knows that it is his purpose to make a kiddush Hashem in this world. He wants to attain perfection and purpose, and he wants to accomplish this by raising good children.
The Ohr HaChaim HaKadosh (Parashas Tetzaveh) teaches us that when a person endures a nisayon in which he stands to lose his ruchniyus, but he nevertheless accepts it with the proper humility and bittul to Hashem, this is considered the pinnacle of perfection. When parents remember that the Ribbono Shel Olam has custom-tailored this nisayon for them, and they approach it with humility and submission—knowing that they have no way on their own, that they’re not at all in control of the situation, and they plead with Hashem to help them go in the proper way to help this child—this delivers them to such a high level in avodas Hashem that is simply impossible to find. It is the pinnacle of our purpose!
Elevated to Unprecedented Levels
Parents who endure this nisayon with bittul and humility to Hashem will attain such closeness and bittul and deveikus that no other nisayon can provide. Because this nisayon touches such a sensitive place, because the pain is so deep and so difficult, this is the reason that the heart is so open and so receptive—and if you will only take that open and receptive heart and think proper thoughts, you will attain the greatest purpose. This Yid will begin feeling like he has attained levels in avodas Hashem he never dreamed of.
“I am a simple Yid, I am just another person in Shul who learns a little bit and gives some tzedakah... I have ups and downs like everyone else... I never planned to become a tzaddik hador... it was never in my plan.”
But the Ribbono Shel Olam wants to lift you up!
One needn’t be up at nights or fast for days or perform great avodos. We must simply take the situation that we are thinking about day and night in any case, and the thoughts that keep returning to us in any case, and simply channel them in the right direction, with proper thoughts. When we do this, there’s no limit to what we can achieve.
The Joy of Fulfillment
When we internalize this point, we’ll automatically become filled with joy and chiyus—because our true desire has been fulfilled: to become close to the Ribbono Shel Olam.
A person may think to himself, “Let’s be honest. My true desire has always been to be successful in business. Okay?”
But this isn’t the truth. You may not be aware of your true desire. Perhaps you weren’t cognizant of it, and you may not have been focused on it. But you have a neshamah, and your neshamah’s true desire is to become close to the Ribbono Shel Olam!
When you will become close to the Ribbono Shel Olam—through the challenge of our struggling child—you will be joyful. Why?
Because the brokenness stems from the failure of our desire, “I wanted something, and it was destroyed.”
But, in truth, your desire was fulfilled. When you think about it, the thing that you very much wanted did happen. You have always wished to attain kirvas Elokim, and the Ribbono Shel Olam granted you this. This brings a person great inner joy which emanates from the loftiest and holiest place.
Kirvas Elokim is for Everyone
Some people, when hearing this, may think, “What is this person talking about? We’re acknowledging that this is the deepest imaginable pain, and we’re waiting to hear a solution... and then you tell me that if I can be like Moshe Rabbeinu you will be successful. Well, I’m a simple person... What have you got for me?”
It’s like a person who comes into a store wishing to buy something, and the owner tells him, “Yes, I have something to sell you... for five million dollars.”
Similarly, it may seem to a person that any serenity amid this searing nisayon can only be attained through superhuman deveikus and similar measures.
Therefore, let us take this matter apart so we can understand how attainable this is for everyone.
To be continued next week.
