Selfish Marriage
Now you might be surprised to hear this but that’s why it’s so important to be married. You know, some people think that marriage is for the purpose of building a family but actually that’s a separate subject. You have to know that marriage, even without children, is a very important form of perfection.
You’ll have a big family im yirtzeh Hashem but we’re talking now about something even more important than building a family; we’re talking about building yourself. The greatest achievement of a home - and I use the word ‘greatest’ bli guzmah, without exaggeration – is the shleimus hamiddos that you yourself acquire by living together in a house with someone else.
You know, a bachelor can be selfish and stubborn and arrogant and everything else, and he can still think he's the biggest tzaddik. Why? Because he never had any conflict with somebody else's will. But then he gets married and suddenly he discovers that not only is he an akshan with bad middos but his wife also is an akshan; she’s also selfish and a ba’al ga’avah.
Sanding Stones
And even if she’s the perfect wife, sugar and spice and everything nice, but she has her own ways of thinking. Women are entirely different from men; they have different minds. Even though she's from the Bais Yaakov and he’s from the yeshivah, and so to some extent they have interests in common, but it's still not the same. Some women are surprised when they discover that their husbands are men. But that’s the plan – she's a woman and he’s a man, and they’re going to rub against each other.
Now what happens when two stones with rough edges rub against each other for a long time? They are smoothed out. Living with another person means that you are constantly being put on the emery wheel on which diamonds are polished; constantly you must polish your rough edges in order to live under one roof together.
To get along with a woman, to get along with a man – a man is a very troublesome creature and a woman is also a troublesome creature – and when two troublesome people get together and force themselves to get along, they make use of the opportunities, so after a while they become smooth diamonds – their characters are polished.
What’s So Good About Marriage?
And that’s why when Hakadosh Baruch Hu was contemplating creating the woman, He said, בֹטו ‡ֹלֹוּ„ַב¿ל םָ„ָ‡ָה ֹ̇יו¡ה – It’s not good for a man to be alone (Bereishis 2:18). What does it mean ‘it’s not good’? Some people like it very much to not be bothered with people.
The answer is that a person can’t become ‘good’ if he’s not bothered by his fellow man. A man’s middos, his character doesn’t develop when he’s alone. He does what he wants; he does as he pleases. Here’s a bachelor; he lives by himself. He told me that he has a telephone book and when he eats milchigs so he opens up to a page in the book and that’s his milchig mat. Then if he’s going to have chicken for supper, so he turns the page in the telephone book and that’s his fleishig mat. The next day he turns again. A true story! Next year he’ll get a new telephone book and start all over again.
Now, try that with a wife in the house. It won’t work; it won’t fly. With a woman in the house you have to learn how to behave. It doesn’t matter what you want, what you think is better – there’s always another opinion here and you have to learn how to yield, how to accommodate yourself to somebody else, to get accustomed to living with somebody else.
For Perfection’s Sake!
Let’s say she tells you certain things that she wants you to do – she wants you to do this in this and this way, so even though you think you have a better way, obey her anyhow. Give her the feeling of nachas ruach that you’re following her system of doing things. And her with him; same thing.
Why do you have to have it your way? Bend your will to hers. And even sometimes it may be a little inconvenient to you, nevertheless, give up a little convenience for the sake of gaining the perfection of adjusting, of bending, of self-control and humility.
So the years go by and both of you have to struggle. Constantly you have to grit your teeth. Constantly you have to swallow your anger. Constantly you have to swallow your hurt. Your words too! You have to swallow your words. It can’t be helped!
Again and again, you must be oimed b’nisayon and it means that you’re changing. Every day you’re becoming better and softer and wiser and more patient and more humble. All of your rough edges are being smoothed out. Don’t think it’s nothing. It’s everything! It’s the reason why Hashem made it that way; it’s the purpose of marriage. That’s the tov of marriage.
A Special Visitor
And it’s such a great achievement when a husband and wife live together with that ideal of shleimus hamiddos that ם∆יה≈ינ≈ּב םֹלוָׁ̆ הָּׁ̆ƒ‡¿ו ׁ̆יƒ‡ – if they can live together more or less in harmony, הָינƒכ¿ׁ̆ ם∆יה≈ינ≈ּב – Hakadosh Baruch Hu himself is happy to be among them (Sotah 17a).
Isn’t that a remarkable statement? We should sit and study those words all our lives! How can it be that the Shechinah should come down between an ordinary Mr. and Mrs.?! Alright, they’re shomrei mitzvos, but they’re not the gedolei hador. It’s not a Beis Hamikdash. Why should the Shechinah come down?
And the answer is, it is a Beis Hamikdash! A home where shalom is practiced, where good character is formed, that makes them kadosh and it’s such a shleimus, such a great achievement, that Hakadosh Baruch Hu says, “Yes, that’s where I’m going to be. A place where two people are dedicated to a career of getting along, of constant shleimus hamiddos, that’s the place of holiness where I’ll come in.”
Better Late Than Never
And even if somebody didn’t start out on the right foot, even though they’re married many years, even twenty, thirty years later, they could always make a new beginning. The opportunity for bringing the Shechinah into the home is still open for everyone.
And so it’s a good idea to make a decision, starting today, no matter what, each one will try to be gentle and to speak politely. He might get on her nerves — he’s so stubborn, so rude – but she bends; she yields and overlooks and ignores. She stifles her desire to respond. If she must say something, she should go to the bathroom and run the water and flush the toilet and say it – only he shouldn’t hear. That’s a greatness on her part. Every time she bends, her character improves and she becomes more of a kadosh.
And he? Same thing. You know women are many times nervous. Women go through certain periods of difficulties. יםƒנָּב יƒ„¿ל≈ּ̇ ב∆ˆ∆ﬠ¿ּב – Having children is not easy and managing children, a house of children, sometimes drives women almost crazy. And many times they’re nervous and wild and unreasonable. Very good. That’s your opportunity to smooth your rough edges.
The Great Accomplishment
And so each one tries as much as possible to stifle their desire to misbehave and to respond to the foolishness of the other. It’s not always easy – sometimes you fall – but you get up again. You break your arrogance a little more and you apologize. Again and again, you yield one to the other.
You know what they’re accomplishing? Not only are they keeping out of divorce court and guaranteeing that they’ll walk their grandchildren down to the chuppah together – that’s excellent – but even better, they are achieving shleimus of character!
Now, once you understand what an opportunity marriage is, so you’ll introduce certain minhagim that’ll help both lubricate the relationship and lubricate the middos. You want to ask for something, if you’d always say, “Please,” to each other, does it cost money? You always say, “Thank you,” to each other.
Not only the first year. Always! Always show appreciation. Always gratitude. Hakaras hatov is the foundation of the pure neshamah; to train yourself in the attitude of being grateful, absolutely it’s a perfection of the neshamah.
Singing Her Praises
Not only politeness and gratitude. As much as possible find ways of giving compliments. Overcome your laziness and your stubbornness, and compliment her for the cooking. After supper tell her how good of a meal she served today. On Shabbos compliment the challah. “It tastes so good, so sweet.”
When you walk in from the beis medrash say, “How nice and clean your house is.” Or say, “You’re an expert manager – a good balabuste.” Say something from time to time! Anything! “You’re really an aishes chayil.”
It’s not natural? You don’t feel like saying it? That’s what the Vilna Gaon means when he says that shviras hamiddos is the purpose of life; breaking your bad character, breaking your natural inclinations. And so make sure to compliment your wife on her looks. Even when she’s an old lady, she still wants to hear how she looks. That’s how women are, that’s their nature. And don’t be stingy; be lavish with your praise. Always say good words about her appearance, as long as you’re alive.
Singing His Praises
And wives to their husbands – she has to show appreciation of the husband too. If the husband is oseik in Torah, she should praise him. If she sees he makes a brachah with kavanah she should praise him. “It’s a pleasure to hear you make kiddush,” or “It’s a pleasure to hear you say birkas hamazon.”
From time to time she should compliment him on bringing parnassah into the home. It’s not easy making a living and she should encourage him with a few words. Anything he does, she should utilize in order to gain shleimus for herself because her perfection is the way she deals with her husband.
Now, after a while you’ll get more opportunities. Children come along and that’s also an opportunity for the shleimus of good character. A father and mother have to get along with their children and
