Now, this eitzah that we find in the seforim – from time to time to visualize the picture of the moment that you’ll come in before Beis Din shel Maaleh, before Hakadosh Baruch Hu – as important as it is, it’s not enough. Because there’s a big problem that won’t go away: אִישׁ יָשָׁ ר ֶ רֶ ך ָּל דּ כְ עֵ ינָ יו ּב – Every man’s way, every path that he takes, is right in his eyes (Mishlei 21:2). The most difficult and elusive secret a person will ever have to discover is to discover the truth about himself. And even when he thinks he knows – he thinks he understands his motivations – actually he knows very little.
And that’s all due to one reason: shochad, bribery. You know, when a judge receives a gift from one of the two parties that come before him to judge them, he’s possul to be a dayan. Even a small gift disqualifies him because once he’s been bribed he can’t see the issues clearly. He imagines he’s thinking straight but it’s impossible.
Self-Bribery
But you know what the biggest bribery is? You know what bribe corrupts the mind more than anything else? Self-love. We all love ourselves more than anything else and so everyone is meshuchad; he’s bribed by himself. He just loves himself too much and he’s thinking, “I’m the one that’s right.” And no matter what he’ll say, in his heart that’s what he’s thinking.
So here’s a man now who knows all about the great Yo m Hadin. He takes the advice of the seforim and he thinks about it once in a while; he reminds himself that one day he’ll be standing before the Beis Din shel Maalah where all the excuses crumble before the truth. And so he wants to judge himself now, in this world, in order to prepare himself. He wants to recognize his motivations and change himself before it’s too late, before he hears those words “Ani Hashem!” The only thing is he can’t do it! He can’t do it because he’s been bought off; he’s bribed by his love of himself and therefore he’s not capable of recognizing his true nature.
The Unbelievable Chiddush
Unless he starts out with the premise, “Maybe I am wrong.” Ohh, that’s a tremendous chiddush! To suspect yourself?! To suspect that maybe you’re wrong, maybe you’re full of faults. You may be right – it happens sometimes – but once you admit the possibility that you have motivations, middos, that are hidden away, so then a ray of light enters into your neshamah and you may discover something.
But it’s a very difficult proposition because as much as you’ll say it, you don’t mean it enough. You don’t believe it. And so the most practical solution, the emergency solution, is to hear from others. You need somebody to tell you, “You are wrong! And not just with this. You are wrong most of the time!”
“Oy gevald! I’m wrong most of the time?!” Some people when they hear they’re wrong, they go into a frenzy. “Hoohoohoo. He says I’m wrong. What does he know?” I say ‘some people’. Almost everybody. Nobody thinks he’s wrong.
A Wife and a Rabbi
And that’s why getting married is a good beginning. Marriage is important for many reasons but one of the most fortunate ones is that you have someone to tell you your faults all the time. You know when you get married, when you come to the chuppah so everything seems very nice. But you should know you’re starting a career of hearing about your faults. She’s a very nice wife and you’re a very nice husband. Good, very good. But soon you’ll start criticizing each other. She’ll begin to see all the faults that you were hiding and she’ll start criticizing. Of course, if she’s diplomatic she’ll do it with a politeness, with diplomacy, but whatever it is, she’ll do it.
And it’s a very good experience! Because who else is going to tell you? In the shul nobody will say anything. Your friends in the shul don’t care enough about you, and the rabbi, he does, but he’s afraid to lose you. You go to a certain shtiebel, a little synagogue where the rabbi doesn’t have too many mispallelim and he welcomes everybody that comes in; he’s very happy to see you. So what is he going to say when he sees something wrong in you? Nothing at all, because he needs you. And so you’ll hear no criticism.
Now, if you sit and talk the entire time, he doesn’t like it and he may even say something about it, but he won’t make a big fuss because you’ll run away. He needs you for his minyan. So what happens? After years of being in such a place, you become worse and worse.
Chasing Away Jews
There was a time, once I spoke in my shul, in my old shul many years ago about the necessity of learning. And I said that you should beware of becoming a beheimah, because you must learn to be a decent human being. If you don’t come to the Gemara lectures, I told them, so you’ll live all your lives like a dumb ox, a cow that just eats grass and wags its tail.
You know what happened? Some people left my synagogue and they went to a nearby yeshivah. There they were welcomed with open arms and there they heard no criticism because a yeshivah is not made for the purpose of training baalei batim. The yeshivah is a place where boys learn Torah and they need a lot of money. It’s a place that must be supported and therefore they were happy when people came to pray in their synagogue and help them out. But never was a word said that could show them any of their faults, that would allow them the slightest suspicion that they weren’t perfect in every respect.
Thank G-d For Wives
And so the best thing is a wife. A wife with a sharp tongue? Nothing better. I’m not saying it’s fun – to give true criticism is a perfection. It's an art that died out; however, it's also an art to take criticism and that art also died out. But what can we do? We have to improve ourselves so we’re willing to get amateurs to criticize us. And even though we're also very much amateurish in accepting criticism we have to do our best because without tochachah, without criticism how can a man ever get better? So fun or not fun, the criticism of a wife is the best thing if you’re interested in preparing for the Next World. If you have a wife who criticizes you, you should feel it's a big break. You have somebody to tell you the truth.
And if you’re not married yet, if you’re still a boy or girl in the home, consider yourself lucky if you have a father and a mother who criticize you. You should feel that you're a lucky child indeed. And look forward to a wife who will take over that job. You’ll be a fortunate person.
Everyone Needs a Rosie
I'll tell you a little story. I once knew a rich man – I’ll call him Chaim; that’s not his real name – and everybody in town was afraid of him. When Chaim opened up his mouth he didn't stop talking. He talked and talked because money talks. He owned the chevra kadisha and he gave a lot of money to charity. Not from his own – from the chevra kadisha money. He was the boss of the town. He was the president of the big synagogue. He was everything. There wasn't a person in town who could tell him his faults. It was the worst thing. If you'd tell him a fault you were finished. You’d have to move out.
There was only one ray of light and that was Rosie. His wife, Rosie, was the only one who could tell him something. And Rosie did.
So once after Rosie had finished administering the needle a meshulach knocked on the door and was speaking to Chaim. And he spoke to him with honor and he listened as Chaim spoke. Chaim was giving advice to the meshulach, how to run Torah institutions, and the man listened respectfully.
After the man departed he turned to her. “Rosie,” he said, “everybody respects me and asks advice of me. You're the only one who doesn't respect me.”
He told me this story later. I couldn't say anything to him. I was thinking, “You're lucky that there's a Rosie around. You're lucky there's somebody to tell you the truth.” And the truth is that everyone needs a Rosie.
Beyond the Wife
However, it’s not enough. Because who says your wife is an expert? She might be imagining some faults which are not true. And you might be imagining faults in her which are not true. And even if they’re not imagined, you believe they’re imagined. So in the good old days of the bayis rishon, there was a remedy for that – they had nevi’im. The nevi’im told the truth straight from the shoulder. It was as bitter as gall, sharp like a knife when he told it to you. And people went to the navi to hear criticism. It was a wonderful era.
But what can you do today? A person must train himself or herself to be nichna, to lower themselves, to humble themselves and search out criticism. That’s a statement of the Chovos Halevovos in the Shaar Hakniah: הַ נִּ כְ נָ ע – A person who is humbled, ִׂ יג הַ חָ כְ מָ ה ּקָ רוֹ ב לְ הַ ש – he is more likely to gain wisdom. You hear that? A humble person is more likely to gain wisdom, ְ הַ מְ שׁ ָ כ ו ֹ ּ ב אַ חֲ רֵ י הַ חֲ כָ מִ ים – because he is drawn after the wise man. A man who is not arrogant, he’s willing to listen, he is the one who is ִׂ יג הַ חָ כְ מָ ה ּקָ רוֹ ב לְ הַ ש, close to getting chochmah. And among other things it means the chochma of knowing yourself.
That’s what Shlomo Hamelech says, א ֹ זֶ ן שׁ ֹ מַ עַ ת ִ ים ּוֹ כַ חַ ת חַ י ּת – The ear that listens to the rebuke, to the criticism of life, ָ לִין ְּקֶרֶ ב חֲ כָמִים תּב – will lodge among the wise (Mishlei 15:31). It means if a man will have an ear that welcomes criticism, he welcomes the words of the wise, he goes to places where he’s told his faults, his motivations, things that he never imagined existed in him.
Hearing the Truth
It happened to me. I wasn’t a nichna and I didn’t have an א ֹ זֶ ן שׁ ֹ מַ עַ ת but I was in a yeshivah in Europe where that’s how it was, that’s what was expected. And so one day my rebbe, Reb Avraham [Grodzinsky], called me into his office and he told me something about myself. He saw right through me and he revealed to me a secret about myself. I’m not going to tell you what it was but he was on the money.
And that’s one of the only ways to know the truth about yourself – when you hear it from others. That’s the way towards improving yourself. That’s the only way; otherwise you’ll remain the same all your life,
In fact, you will deteriorate because a man must listen – שׁ ְ מַ ע י ִ שְׂ רָ אֵ ל. That’s the fundamental attitude of a Jew. A Jew must be a listener. Because the only way a man can ever become anything is by having somebody tell him what is wrong with him and by being interested in ways and means of improving himself. And that’s only possible by listening to da’as Torah and listening all your life!
